The Silent Observer

Nobody

Here's something I want say
I am a privileged person with good parents, good family, financial support and a strong conscience having two purposes to fulfill. One towards the society and parents and the other towards myself. The former includes a decent respect worthy profession so that the society would accept and respect you and give your family bragging rights. But the latter is a bit more complicated. I think our duty to ourselves isn't what we are often forced to do, it just comes from within. A passion a 'something' that makes you happy without any reason other than the fact that you are doing it. As separate individuals we long to leave marks of our existence may it be in the form of awards, fame, excellence or even crime. We just want to leave a souvenir that says 'I was here, and it mattered ' . That precisely is what I define duty towards yourself to be. As the time progresses so does the need and competition in the world giving rise to more and more volatile mindsets. Most of the people spend their life doing their duty towards society and I am not saying that's bad or you can't leave a mark there . It's just that most of the times it's not you.
You may be wondering why I am preaching all this . Well I am doing this because in the end it all spirals down to me. I am 'nobody'. Currently in the state of fulfilling my duty towards society and parents. I go to the academy, study, come home, study , sleep and repeat. I have always been a straight A student , well except for now but that's a story for another time. But now I am beginning to realise that getting A's was never my first and foremost wish or goal. I did it to see the proud look on my parents' faces and maybe also coz I felt that if someone , even if they are my parents is investing so much of their life, time and money into me, it's the least I could do to pay them back. And I am still doing the same. I am on my way to become a doctor. Don't worry I am not that old just 17 and in my pre med school/academy right now. Stuff is super serious out here. Since the minute you wake till the minute you sleep all you have to think, do or care about is study and it goes without saying that it goes from being boring to frustrating to downright agonizing. Because there is just so much uncertainty. You never know if all the efforts you are putting in now are going to be fruitful. Life's a cruel game. A simple flu, anxiety attack , minor errors at the time of the final exam could make your world collapse not that it was based on concrete facts before, it was just all possibilities. And even when you achieve your goal , what then? Your family would be proud , the society will have received another wonderful human entity to do it's bidding. But what about you? Is what you achieved the same 'something' that's makes you want to live, make your face light up every time you think about it? It's not is it? But that's ok, it's the case with most people except for a lucky few.
If you ask about me, I have always really wanted to be an actress and an author. Me, an actress! Who'd have thought. Coz I am neither rich nor pretty or even related to some celebrity . It has always just been a part of me. Something I was sure of . My 'something' that I knew would never fail me. Also I love language, it is my way of leaving a mark with the characters I invent. But right now I am the person who the society wants me to be in a sea of people who are people that the soceity wants them to be. But THIS does not define my existence.
There is often a dull ache a reminder of the 'something' that still lives inside me waiting to be acknowledged. As I study, eat , roam the corridors of the college or socialise I often feel like a third person. Like this life is a movie that I am watching and struggling really hard to enjoy, clinging on to bits and pieces of my liking to get through the bad ones. I might be 'Meera' to the people around me , but to me I am a 'nobody'.

There, all done. I admired my writeup, for the magazine. I had practically poured all my worries out, it didn't look as bad as I expected it to be. But as I neared the editor's office, I wondered if people would understand. Coz often people around me just don't get what I have to say or I am very bad at conveying it. Well, too late to think about it now here we go. "May I come in?"
The editor looked up. Talented woman really, I often wondered what she gained from reviewing a bunch of words written by teenage nerds. I guess it must be a part of her duty no. 1. "Yes, if you have a writeup to submit ,you can put it over there at the desk." So I did.