The Silent Observer

Imposter

Something is happening to me. I don't know what, if it's the teenage hormones or the stress, anxiety or whatever. I just don't feel ok. Neither physically nor mentally. Its like someone has put me in a jar and shut the lid tight. And come what may I am not being able to unscrew it and let myself free. I am stuck. I know this is not me . I was never like this. I am a loving, confident and smart person. But now, I am just so unsure and insecure about everything coz I don't know my place in the world. I am trying really really hard to make it work, but it's not working and when I see other people next to me moving on and progressing , I have a mini panic attack.
These 7 months have been really trying. Previously I was physically and mentally fit, involved myself in everything, was enthusiastic and optimistic,  felt everything deeply, ate to my hearts fill and tried to enjoy every moment of my life and create new memories. Now when I look back, I hardly recognize the person who stares back at me through the mirror.  She has a permanently tired look, dark circles, spectacles and hair cut short, not that it looks bad but yet. Every day like clockwork she follows the same routine like a zombie. Pretends to be interested in daily activities, barely tasting the food before swallowing it.There are also times when the previous me peeks out .when I laugh out loud at a random joke , when pulling a small prank with my friends, as I lay down and think about the day I spent and ask myself  if I did good.
This person is sincere and hardworking like the previous me but tired of waiting for the results.
She deals with indecisiveness,  anxiety, panic attacks and the inability to express herself as the mediums have been taken from her.Acting and writing.  Her 'something ' . She works all day for a different cause but in her daydreams She dwells on her 'somethings' . Even the smallest of things are enough to set her off into a full blown crying session. She knows she should be brave and she tries but it doesn't happen. She is afraid of being replaced, of not leaving a mark that says it mattered.So trapped in her mind she has begun disregarding her friends and loved ones which makes the previous me twist in anguish coz I loved people.and spending time with my loved ones, while she walks with her head down to hide her eyes and looks for a quiet and lonely place to sit.  Yes on the outside it may seem that she doesn't care, has a lot of friends and is perfectly fine. But I know she is not. There is a hole in her heart, a part of her that has been ripped out leaving a gaping wound which refuses to heal, and no we are not referring to boy troubles. Even previous me had pretty much nil boy troubles, it bothered me at times but even then I was happy. No, it is the kind life reality inflicts on you.
Somewhere she knows that it will get better, that she'll recover and soon be at least a part of the previous me and that she would make everything alright. But till it does she closes her eyes in her bed every night safely tucked in, in her house with her loved ones, she whispers into the darkness that she wants to go home.