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happy new year

hey violation beans

happy new year

it's 1:45am at the time that i'm writing this, and i am thoroughly exhausted, but whatever

i just got the drive to write this, so here we go

i've been doing... well, i've been doing terribly. in fact, i kind of hate my life and myself right now.

and i know that i shouldn't, for a variety of reasons which i won't list as i want this done ASAP so i can sleep, but know that i am aware i have nothing to truly hate. it sucks, and i feel guilty, but it's the truth.

i've been very stressed since the end of september. the end of quarterly finals and the beginning of the second quarter of the school year.

now, my classes weren't "joking around" and we got out of the review phase and into the shit i have to actually stress about phase

this happened at the same time as PSATs, and as a sophomore in classes with juniors, the PSAT was hyped up a lot for me. it really shouldn't have been.

i was put in a position to compete and meet the levels of people who were above me, whether i put myself there or if someone else did, i still have yet to determine. it stressed me out. a lot. i started having sleep issues then.

then came october, where i was dealing with more shit. all my tests were postponed due to the PSAT, and now, i had to take them all. five days.

but, there was homecoming, and that kept me going.

around this time, i started writing less. it's not that i didn't want to, i didn't have the time. homework was piling up and i had to write for my creative writing class. i love that class, i really do. but i know how the brain works. i know how motivation works. so, it was no surprise that i found writing my fucking fanfic much more enjoyable than the original work i had to turn in for a grade.

but still, whenever i could, i wrote. but over the years i've developed a small perfectionism problem.

it's not small, actually. it's pretty fucking big.

still, i did what i could. i updated when i felt my work was okay, because that was a win for me. there were a few days where i was genuinely proud. like that shel and alex chapter (my favorite). or when i did the ihbwyftbom chapter most recently. or even just one small scene, like shel's Don't Cry For Me Argentina scene--it's one of my favorites. when it comes to Chaotic College Children, i'm not as critical since it's a crack fic. it doesn't have to make sense, it just has to be funny.

nevertheless, i wrote a little. a lot less than i wanted, but it was still there.

then it was mental health day, where i wasn't allowed to leave the room and had my very first panic attack. or at least i think that's what it was.

i crashed then, the only thing keeping me going was homecoming, juts three days away. then it was the dance. then i got sick

i missed a week of school. then i went to Utah (pretty, but damn the culture there sucks ass) and missed another week.

i am taking a class that is pre-calc, calc AB, parts of trig, and parts of calc BC combined into one course.

i missed two whole units when i was sick and at the family reunion.

i had the week to catch up then it was thanksgiving break. but it wasn't a break, i was still playing catch up

it's so funny that the class i missed the most in, chemistry, was the onyl class i was able to understand. tells you a lot about good teachers, huh.