WARNING: ENJOY! ;)
07.
Today's the last day of my week off, I had vacation without telling anyone not even Jongin, my family and even friends, It's been a week since I last saw him. I wonder what he's doing right now, he's been calling me non-stop since he left my apartment last week, and we haven't talked yet. Xiumin hyung's words keeps on bothering me, I couldn't even sleep, I've never been this guilty before, maybe because I'm so frustrated right now.
"Just remember, your happiness means you're hurting his wife. Your happiness will wreck their marriage. Your happiness is equals to his wife's suffering."
It keeps on repeating on my mind and all I could do is just sigh. Xiumin hyung is right, I may be happy with Jongin, being with him and being just his bed warmer is enough for me to be happy. But despite the happiness Im feeling is someone's suffering, I shouldn't be happy. I don't have the right to be happy, I don't deserve it.
I sometimes ask myself, why would you even meet a person if you can't even be with them? Why would your path cross if you're not allowed to be with them? Why everything we love is wrong? Why is life unfair?
The thing is people will enter our life then leaves. I'm scared that time will come; Jongin's role in my life will be over, I'm scared that someday he will leave me for his wife. I'm afraid of what's bound to happen in the future, I'm not ready to face everything. I feel like a coward.
*bzzt bzzt*
"Eomma calling"
I stared at my phone, but I didn't answer it. Instead I went to the veranda of my hotel room. I know my mom's worried about me. Who wouldn't right? I didn't tell her where the hell am I, like what I always do. One of the reasons I never want to show my face in front of my family, why I always reject their invitations is because I promised my Mom that I will never be an 'other one'.
That I will never wreck a family.
But who am I kidding right? I already broke that fucking promise, Never have I thought in my entire life that someday I will be a fucking 'other one'. My mom showed me how hard it is to be the legal wife, she showed me how hard it is to share the man she loves. I saw her suffer and cry every night, I saw how she longed for my father, how she stalks my father and his mistress and ends up getting hurt over and over again. I saw how she begged for my father to stay with us.
I remember the time my mom tries to commit suicide, she was brought to the hospital because she overdosed herself. I remember my dad visiting her in the hospital room, I remember my mom smiling because my dad came. I was 6 years old that time, I was so happy seeing my mom smile.
I thought the reason why my dad came that day is because he's coming back to us. I thought that it will be the day where my mom's suffering will end. But all of that was just a mere thought. July 21, 1999, that was the time my dad left us. That was the time my dad filed a lawsuit to nullify their marriage. That was the time my mom stopped smiling.
