Sincerely, Sin

31

3 months later
July 3rd

Alana Zoie-Camille Smith

"hunny you have to tell him" my mom tried to comfort me but her constant reminders these past months have been digging me deeper into the hole I've decided to place myself in.

"Alana, sweetie, you can't hide this from him forever. How long till Slim finds out and tells him. You've been ignoring everyone's calls, refusing to see anyone but forget in the end they'll eventually know!" my lip quivered as I forced back down my tears.

I had been in bed all day. It's been this way for the past months. I haven't seen Sincere since that day in court. No visitation. No calls.
All on my end of course. He's tried to contact me; him, Micaela, Slim. I ignore them all.
I don't know what to do.
I cry everyday because of the position I'm in. This is the last thing I ever expected to happen. It was never even a thought and neither has it processed. I look at myself everyday not knowing what to do.

How am I gonna do this? I can't do this.

Contemplation, fear, hatred, sadness, confusion. I'm stuck in a loop. But if I do agree on what stays on my mind as a resolution I'd never forgive myself.

"I-I can't ma" I whisper out. My back was towards her as I laid on my side, entrapping a pillow between my arms. I felt a warm tear slide down my cheek.

Why me?

"I can't continue to lie or dismiss calls on your behalf Coco. I know this is the last thing you'd ever think will happen but it did. I'm sorry baby, I truly am! my heart feels for you but you can't keep this a secret any longer. It's been too long" she rubbed my back soothingly. I shut my eyes tight remembering how I got in this predicament.

Even if I wanted to end it I'm too far gone.
I look to the time on my nightstand, it's ten in the morning. Prison visitations are from 12 to 7pm.

I don't wanna face him, how would he react, this is too much, I can't.

"Go and see him today, I'll drive and be there with you when you tell him" almost as if she read my mind. I sat up turning towards her.

"I'm scared mama" I say as I wipe my tears away. "I'm sure he'll understand Coco. He'd most likely not even give a reaction, news like this is hard to take in. Trust me, I know! I was not expecting those words to come out ya mouth when you told me" my mama rocked me in her arms, giving me words of confidence and assurance.

I couldn't believe I was doing this. I now stood in front of a mirror. I was sad all over again; but I mustn't dwell, it's happening and there's nothing I can do about it. I reached for my jacket and placed it on me. I hear my mom call for me, she was letting me know she was gonna wait by the car.

I wiped the last of my tears and got to moving.

"You ready?" She asked, I could see the pity in her face, she's not very good at concealing her emotions; but I don't blame her, I'd feel sorry for myself too. I nodded, not feeling like talking, it was uncomfortable to speak especially when it feels like a knot is in your throat and your heart has sunken to your stomach.

The trip began. The ride to our destination was long and full of a mouthful of helpful, compassionate words of kindness from my mom.
It honestly relieved some of the weight on my back. She was the only thing I was fortunate for as of right now. If I didn't have mom I don't know what I'd do.