JJ Maybank imagines

Liability(reprise)

WARNINGS: swearing, blood, angst

I'm a liability

I'm a liability
Much for me
You're a little much for me, no no no no...
Whatcha gonna do?

It had been a couple weeks since JJ left me there alone at the party I'd looked forward too for so long. And for those couple of weeks I had allowed myself to beat myself up for being too much for the beach waves and pretty blonde-haired pogue. 

My dress was lost at sea, I think. I hadn't really gone to look for it since. I let myself freeze that night and left when I noticed the sunlight leaving me a little too visible than what I'd like. It was a shame, I had just bought the dress too. Saved up for weeks to get it. Even if it was on clearance I wanted to look good.

All of the dreams that get harder
All of the things that I offer you

I had my hair down that night and even let my friend, Sarah, who never cared about the stupid pogue, kook rivalry, do my makeup. I'd never felt so pretty before. I was glowing, healthy and in love. 

I wanted to impress JJ. I knew he had been slipping, deep down. He never really laughed at my jokes anymore but I assumed it was just my delivery since he laughed when JB said them. He never really smiled like he used to with me. No, before he used to search my eyes like they were the stars and smile at me like he had seen the world in my face. He looked more uncomfortable the longer I pretended to not notice his bitter changes against me. I almost expected it but I never thought he would have ruined the one night he knew I was looking forward to. 

But still I believed it was all on me. It had to be. Why else would he have said I was too much. This was too much, he couldn't do it because of me. So I lived with that in the front of my mind. Holding it in around everyone. I spent a lot of time with Sarah in her room, letting her try to cheer me up with her expensive clothes that I didn't want and her simple jokes that got smiles and small laughs out of me. They weren't belly laughs like they were with my bestfriends. Like they were with my Kie, my Pope, my JB, with JJ. But they made it clear they were done with me just as JJ had by not even checking up on me. 

And I had never felt so alone.

And... and all of the shit that we harbor
Make all of the kids in the choirs sing woo-hoo-hoo

Soon I was feeling fine. I wasn't thriving like before, but I was back in work. Back in the pharmacy running the cash register and checking the items by the counters to make sure they were in stock. 

I still think about the party a lot. It takes up a lot of my free time, my breaks. I spend them no longer outside neatening up the flowers on the front pathway inside. I don't speak to the elderly passing on walks anymore. I spend them in the back, thinking about what he meant in some ways but also learning and accepting how to let go. And I think I'm finally letting go because sometimes I'll catch myself smiling out the window and thinking about surfing again or walking with some of my school friends I've barely seen recently. The party isn't such a big deal for me anymore.

Maybe all this is the party
Maybe the tears and the highs we breathe, oh no

It was 11:39am this morning. It was hot, I know it, I could feel the heat pouring into the poorly air conditioned air of the pharmacy mixing with each person pouring in to stay out of the sun and maybe buy a cheap water bottle. 

My hair wasn't down, it was up in its usually claw clip, hairs falling out and sticking to the nape of my neck each time I reached up to scratch the back of my neck when a question stumped me or made me think a little too long.