i am sorry, darling.

2.

the circle.

amaryllis pov;
jowan decided to wake neria up. poor girl, i told him he should let her rest, but he wouldnt listen. as he went to bother her, i followed him.

"neria," he gently shook her. "neriaaa," he shook her, less gently. "neria surana." he flicked her nose, finally she woke up. "jowan..?? what do you want.." she mumbled, rubbing her eyes. poor thing, she must be exhausted. my first time in the fade drained the life out of me, literally. "youve been asleep all morning, its almost noon. first enchanter irving said he needed to speak with you once you woke up," jowan began to speak. "yeah, well why did you wake me up then.. i am exhausted, cant the old fart wait another 10 minutes?.." she muttered, laying back down face first as i cackled. "not funny neria, come on, just go talk to irving" he continued. neria seemed genuinely tired, since she didnt put up much of a fight before dragging herself out of the bed. "whatever," she again mumbled before finally leaving. shortly, me and jowan followed. as we left, i couldnt help but hear more of the other apprentice girls talk about neria. "that templar cullen said that was the quickest, cleanest harrowing hed ever seen!" one spoke enthusiastically, whereas the other seemed more bitter. "well he would say that, wouldnt he."

as jowan and i walked, i spoke again. "do you still want me to meet your little girlfriend in twenty minutes, or did we call that off when neria didnt get up immediately," i joked, he didnt laugh, he seemed more distressed then usual. "no, i still need you to meet me in the chapel with neria," he responded coldly. we walked for a moment before i spoke again, "are you okay, jowan?" i asked. he never replied.

(skip like 15 minutes, amaryllis went to just wait in the chapel whilst jowan ran off to get neria)

i said on one of the chapel benches as i waited for neria and jowan and this mystery girl to appear. eventually, i heard jowan and neria enter. i walked up to neria, as jowan led us into the back of the chapel to an initiate girl. she was beautiful, i was shocked for a moment, realizing this was his lover. she was mesmerizing. her hair was shoulder length, her eyes were soft and her smile was gentle.
"neria, amaryllis, this is lily. she is the girl ive spoken to you both of," he said with a nervous smile. "you look quite familiar.." neria pointed out. lily finally spoke, her voice was just as soft and beautiful as she was. "well, i often work in this chapel, you have probably seen me around the circle once or twice," she responded, softly smiling at neria.
"i didnt just bring you here for social graces, lily has proof that i am going to be made.. tranquil.." he said with regret, hanging his head. "we need to escape" lily continued for him. "amaryllis.. neria, we need your help, i need to destroy my phylactery. i have to leave before they make me tranquil. i cant let them, they will take qverything from me" he began to rant, "my feelings, my life, my love for lily!!" he finished. my heart shattered, i but my tongue as i fought away tears. "yes.. i will help you, jowan.." i mumbled. neria though, was not so fond of this idea. "break your phylactery?! escape?!?! absolutely not, jowan. that is completely dangerous." she spat out, jowan and lily looked incredibly hurt. lily quickly responded to nerias burst of anger, "we understand, please, miss neria, just.. do not tell anyone," she said, forcing a smile. neria quickly left, as i turned back to face lily and jowan. "i.. i knew you would help amaryllis, thank you so much," he finally said, looking at me again. "just one thing," i responded, "this is stupid, but i want to go with you. even for just a week, i want to leave. i will not follow you both around like a lost dog, i will find my own way, but please." i almost begged. lily looked at me with a weird look, whereas jowan smiled at me with pity, and nodded. "i understand, you can come."

3rd person pov;
amaryllis smiled, she quickly began to talk again. "thank you, now how are you two planning to go about this?" "the phylactery chamber is in the basement, once we break his phy- your phylacteries, i was going to have you cause a distraction, and once the templars guarding the doors are gone all three of us make a run for it" lily replied, not seeming fond of me going with them.
"and to get to the phylactery chamber, we need to get through a locked door, you need to request a rod of fire, to melt the locks," jowan continued. "rod of fire for the locks, got it," amaryllis said as she walked towards the door, to find neria about to come back. "amaryllis, i changed my mind, i want to help" she almost pleaded.  "why are you telling me this? go apologize to jowan. you need to make things right with him, not me," amaryllis replied coldly, stepping out of the room and away from neria entirely.

amaryllis pov, again;
'neria was foolish, but she was my friend. she would never understand why anyone would want to leave the circle. to her, it was home. she knew she belonged in the circle, whereas i did not. that was the difference between me and her,' i thought, as i walked down the hallway. the storage room was not far from where jowan, lily, and i, had spoken.

"greetings, miss amell. would you like to request something from the storage room??" owain spoke, his voice was monotone. "err, yessir. a rod of fire, actually," i replied, "what will you be using the rod for?" "studying um... burning things..?" "very well, have this form signed by a senior enchanter, or the first enchanter, and when you return it to me, i will give you the rod."

frustrated, i turned away. as i returned to the room i again bumped into neria, and an idea popped into my mind. "neria," i spoke. "since you are close with the first enchanter, can you have him sign this form?" i said, hoping the would agree. "sure, i guess," she muttered before leaving. as she went to have the form signed, i approached jowan and lily. i never spoke, i just sat, admiring them. i wished that could be me. 'i had my chance, and i ruined it. i was a stupid child, i wish i knew i would never get over it.' i began to think, neria rushing in had distracted me from my foul thoughts. "here, i have the form signed," she said, she almost sounded like she regretted something. i feel bad, she must feel forced into helping them. i thanked her, standing and quickly walking to the storage room.
"hello again, miss amell. did you get the form signed?" "yes, here you go." "everything appears to be in order, here is the rod you requested." he said in his monotone voice, handing me the rod of fire.

(1218 words, fuck writing, i feel like im gonna completely forget this exists in about an hour and never update it again. bye,)