Right Here | namjin

Chapter 5

the aftermath 👀

also happy new year!!!!

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Namjoon feels lost. He feels numb, confused and like the world has suddenly lost all its color and life. The park he walks out of is suddenly dull and gray. The trees seem to wilt with every slow step he takes. The birds no longer sing sweet songs in the trees. The wind whips harshly at his tear soaked cheeks. It's spring but his heart and body feel ice cold. His feet drag with every step he takes. He doesn't bother trying to wipe the tears and boogers away. He allows himself to feel everything. Shame, guilt, embarrassment and sadness. So much sadness.

That night when he had made up his mind about wanting Seokjin back the realization had hit him like a ton of bricks. He wanted his husband back. His sweet, gentle, caring, bright husband. He wanted the man that he remembered all those years ago. The one that was painfully shy but would be the first one to break the ice so no one would feel awkward. He wanted the man that blushed in their home whenever Namjoon initiated something intimate. The man that knew him like no one else could. The man who looked at Namjoon so honestly and openly. He wore his emotions perfectly for Namjoon and Namjoon only to see. Never shying away and hiding them.

But that man didn't exist anymore.

That man only existed before they got married. Before they had Yeonjun and Soobin. Before he officially met his parents. Before the screaming and lies and abandonment and before Namjoon had dared to raise a hand to him. That man was no more.

Namjoon broke that man.

Shattered him.

That night the answer seemed so obvious. Of course. Seokjin was his husband and he always would be. They had two beautiful children. Namjoon was a father thanks to Seokjin, and Namjoon didn't want them to be apart anymore. He wanted him back. He wanted his life back. But that was all a fantasy. A nice, warm idea that just wasn't true.

They hadn't been that in so long. Since before the kids were born. Namjoon was wishing for something that just wasn't there anymore. Something that hadn't been there in years. The reality is hitting him like a train. He staggers a bit. Sobs getting caught in his throat as he thinks about everything leading up to this moment.

Meeting Seokjin, getting married, having Yeonjun, finally meeting Namjoon's parents, his mother hating Seokjin immediately, Soobin being born, Namjoon being swayed, missing those milestones, the arguing and screaming, the broken look on Seokjin's face once he realized Namjoon's hand was about to strike him, the silent divorce proceedings, being introduced to Eunji and finally to Seokjin finding someone new. What was he thinking? They hadn't been happy in so long. They were simply living around each other. Seokjin not wanting to set him off and start another fight. Namjoon not wanting to be around them. He lets a sob slip at that, tripping and almost falling. The thought shakes him to his core. Because all this time he hadn't allowed himself to think about that time. He locked all those feelings away in a box to never see again. And now it was all starting to overflow. He was forced to think about all those emotions and memories now. And that killed him. It was true. He had started to resent his married, family life. He had started hating being around them. Namjoon felt bile rise up his throat but he forced it back down with a strangled cry. He had just hurt the one person he supposedly loved so much, again. Not once but twice now.

He wonders if this is what Seokjin felt like for all those years.

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Namjoon arrives home and sits by his bookshelf in his living room. He sends a text asking Jimin to come over. He rearranges the bookshelf three times when he's finally snapped out of it by the sound of his doorbell being rung. He knows it's Jimin so he simply says come in. His friend isn't alarmed by any means. Namjoon had not been specific in the text so he simply watches his friend take his shoes off as he chats about his day. Like usual Jimin heads to the kitchen for a water bottle before finally looking at Namjoon. He frowns before rushing over.