The realization that every heterosexual I've had was nothing but an attempt to convert myself so I wouldn't have to deal with being shamed by people who say they love me,
Is a little bit freeing.
I never really loved you, I just didn't want to go hurt your feelings. All of you. I was afraid if I said no, idt hurt your feelings and be shunned by the others for not liking a guy I barely know that barely knows me.
It makes me a little happy that what I experienced wasn't true love, that I never really cared for you but just grew attached to you overtime. It gives me peace to know that I never really loved you, even though I said it did. Every time I did it sounded like I was trying to convince myself more and more, trying to convince myself that this is okay and this is what is supposed to happen— which is a lie of course.
I'm not exactly mad at you, I'm mad at myself for putting myself through all of that— not actually being interested in you but liking the attention, wasting my time and efforts in a nigga that hasn't grown since the 5th grade, putting up with you in general. Trying to talk yourself out of suicide when I should have encouraged it, listening to your problems when you couldn't even say goodnight 😂. It might sound like I am, but I am really mad at myself for not seeing it clearly. It just shows how desperate I was to be straight, even when I felt more free and liberated with a girl.
I'm actually embarrassed to say I was with you. You're the revolting slob in real life, I can't believe I gave you a chance.
Then there's you. Let's cut to the chase. You're attractive and athletic, you just need a girl that doesn't value getting to know you before they date you. I'm sorry I wanted to waste time to get to know and start slow so t could learn to love you as your own person. I don't suck guys I barely know, I was lying the entire time. That was all a hoxe, I'm a fraud I know. Just pretending made me feel sick. I felt nothing with the time spent with you and you made little to no impact in my life. And I'm sorry I'm "shy" and not clingy, because it's impossible to be both at the same time.
You were the only one who actually treated me well. You were heartbroken many times before, which is why couldn't tell you the truth. You don't deserve it. But you do deserve to know, that you don't know me. I don't deserve the "I love you" you gave me a few days after I told you I wasn't trying to get in a relationship. I even told you I thought you were love bombing me and you were so understanding, but I don't think you actually understand. I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable because of the past, but because we don't know each other like we think we do. You're a stranger who buys me things because you love me, you don't really know me and I don't really know you. I wanted to know all your quirks and weird things about you, how you think, what you think, I wanted to be intellectually in love with you. You only knew the surface me yet you shot so far, that was why I was afraid. You wanted our parents to meet when you don't even know my favorite color? Or my favorite anime, or my favorite song?
You love enough that's not your problem. It's okay to take it slow. God. Sometimes I didn't even think you were in love with me, you were in love with what I could be, and I know how that feels. That's why I had to let you go.
And because my disgust for the male gender Intensified.
The thought of being with man for several months made me sick in the head, I couldn't take it any longer. I had to stop pretending. I had to be real.
I like girls, and I don't like guys.
It's good to know that what I experienced wasn't true love, because if it was I would have gave up a long time ago. I'm glad I didn't love any of you, because then I have love to the wrong people, instead I gave energy to the wrong people— and that's okay. I'll be okay.
I know the other side has more heartbreak and emotion, but I'm willing to endure it if it means I won't feel like that again. I'll feel like I'll actually belong for once, like I'm being true to myself— because I am.
😊
