This is chapter 7, though I wish it was the end.
The only reason I choose to stay alive is to be living proof of what I experience, because if I were to die today, would people even understand why?
Would they think I fell victim to the devil who told me to end my life? Would they think some loser at school pushed me to the edge? Would they think my classes were too much for me, and caused me to jump? Would they blame themselves, and my suicide be a unsolved mystery?
I honestly lost any passion I have for life. The pure rage of being misunderstood is what keeps me alive. The image of people debating over my reason for suicide without seeing my point of view pushes my heart to keep beating.
I'm selfish because of a assumption you made out of me, and if I were to kill myself today, that would make me apathetic and dead—which is why I continue to live being selfish.
I'm too lazy to do anything, and if I were to kill myself right now, I'd be too lazy to live the rest of my life.
The Lord loves me so much, and if I were to die today it was because the devil gave me these temptations, and I carried on with them because I am weak and I am another hard lesson from the Lord to change your ways and repent now—or you'll burn for eternity. John 3:16 🙏🏾😊
So why live? So I can give my point of view? Tell my story that no one believes? Should I continue to live a life with people who think your problems are insignificant compared to "real life problems" because I don't have to pay rent? If I were to die today, people would be fucking clueless.
Not to be discouraging, but life isn't worth living as much as it did before. I'm not going further I feel like you should just know. Not saying there isn't any hope, but there isn't any good way of living like this. It's very discouraging to think you'll be struggling to pay rent with a "high paying job." It's discouraging to hear professionals down play the pain that caused you to miss one day of school. Why do you think I'm lying?What makes me unbelievable? What makes my symptoms a hoxe?
I just want people to believe me.
If I actually find a easy way to die, I want to do these things:
1. Ride the agoraphobia at six flags
2. See any whale in the wild
3. Try gnocchi
4. I forgot the name of the ice cream but the one that's hard to open
5. Visit a country out of the US, not Hawaii or Jamaica, el Salvador, Brazil, Nigeria, or Cuba
6. Try indian food
7. Connect with one of my ancestors
8. Hug a weeping willow tree
9.kiss a girl
10. Leave a impact
