Weakness Within

Picked On // Stand Down

It's time to reach into those depths.
That haunt me still to this day.
To be honest, it's not that serious.
But I always ask: Why do I still feel this way?
Constantly clowned in my youth just because I was different.
Not that I did anything wrong, just cause I ain't fit into whatever category was cool for them kids.
Too scared to fight back.
Why? I honestly couldn't tell you.
Maybe because I didn't know how to fight.
Or maybe I was scared of gettin beat up.
Regardless, I ain't never stand up for myself.
To a point where if I got any push back from being myself, I would just cease talking instantly.
Coming from an unstable home, with a mother who liked to knock me across my dome,
Anytime that I pissed her off or reminded her of the Nigga who nutted in her & made me.
But that's for the next chapter of this short tale.
A mix of anger & sadness welled within a nigga to the point not even pornography could help me escape it.
That'll probably be a a stronger depressant than any alcohol or pill you'd consume.
I'm not even scratchin' the surface with how it truly makes me feel..........
When I'm misunderstood.
When my kindness is taken for weakness.
Guess the rejection I was constantly facing in school got me to the point I wanted to be liked by anyone givin me a chance in life.
From women, to friends, even to my own family.
Didn't do nothin but manipulate my naïve mind into decisions that made my mental go even further down the drain.
But there's no one to blame.
But me.
I ain't know no better, back then.
Beat myself up for not knowing what I know, now.
So angry at the world for not discovering how,
Bitches will play you just for attention.
Niggas will betray you for the same bitches just to get a mention, a whiff in.
& the relationship with yourself matters the most.
Internalization of the voices that were filled with negativity about myself.
To the point I believed those were my own voices.
The thoughts of suicide & a sweet release held true to the end.
Yet..........my inner soul told me "Dear child..........you've only started to begin."
So much willpower it takes to end one's life.
The ones who did, I wonder what the thoughts & feelings were like?
Minutes before they took their last breath from dealing with the world's strife.
& here I am everyday trying to fight,
My own mind & demons that seem to never cease.
Wanting revenge from those I trusted, but they never supported me.
Wanting revenge like the kids from Columbine who gave their sweet release.
Like Elliot Roger when he couldn't get his own gyal that he could call a dime piece.
Ain't no excuses, & I'm not tryna be a victim.
Ion wanna go to extremes & develop a mind of Nihilism.
Ion wanna become another statistic of the American system.
I don't want your pity.
I don't want you to feel sorry for me.
Ion want your opinion.
I don't need your constructive criticism.
I just need you to shut the fuck up & listen.
Hear the pain that I feel whenever I get low & need someone by my side.
Do my best to smile,
But on the inside...............
There's a little boy like Bruce Wayne when his parents first died...........
Crying out for someone to truly give me love & support.
Without judgement.
Crying out for people to be genuine.
Without a motive.
To know that I feel alone even when I'm surrounded.
But I'll stand 10 toes down,
Never bowing down to someone just because they feel superior to me.
In the end, I won the wars.
Against my bullies.
- Maãlík