Weakness Within

Father Of No Year // Mommy Issues

A man of certain mystery.
Someone who when brought up, all that is mentioned is the misery,
That you casted upon my mother.
Leaving scars that are worse than her C-section up under.
She chose that path, though.
"Don't be like your father."
But how am I supposed to know?
How a man I barely know is supposed to influence me in a way.
That's gonna make me bad for you?
Sounds to me like there's some issues momma ain't got over that she's projecting onto me.
& when you're a child, you don't understand the heat
Of the situation when your momma broke, stressing out & can't afford
Her own space, lashing out in anger anytime you act like a kid outta place.
Lookin' like my father in the face, as if I'm supposed to control my genes.
Subconsciously taught self hate by a sickening person who manipulates.
All because she couldn't control her aggressive state.
Preying on those she know is weaker in order to control me all the way.
Those are the games that's played.
But enough about mommy dearest,
This is about Father, so here is:
A tale that'll have you grinding your gears.
17 years old, family egging me on to go talk to my father.
Didn't understand why, but the answers I had lie
Within his words & point of view.
& I figured, "What do I really have to lose?"
Driven to my other grandmother's house.
It seemed like it was the belly of the beast,
But in actuality, it's just unknown territory.
Granny greeted me with kindness & gratitude.
Letting me know my father was here.
We both seen each other as if we're lookin at a stranger.
We both sat down for him to explain his side, & I ain't sense no danger.
The monster that they depicted this man to be was none other than another flawed individual whose made his fair share of mistakes.
& I just didn't understand why there was so much animosity in the hearts of everyone who spoke on him?
A couple days before my 18th birthday.
I wanted both of us to start fresh with a clean slate.
The day came.............
& I haven't heard from him, since...........
I guess I was supposed to feel some type of way,
But I was more disappointed that he confirmed most of the bad things my mother would say.
& a part of me wished I had different parents that I had a say
In how I grew up, but now everything's okay.
I done shed the tears I needed to, thinkin if I had a father, my life would be different.
But just like the therapist told me: I get to decide the type of man I get to be.
No blueprint from daddy's footsteps in order to be a clone.
He made his choice as a father, & mother made hers, too.
Two houses of trauma with an attempt to destroy their creations till they're old enough to realize how fucked they are, it's true.
Parents can be some fuck niggas, but they're human, so they make mistakes.
The fear of fuckin up my children makes me not wanna have kids no time soon.
Don't wanna see my kid struggle unnecessarily without any true genuine love in this cold world.
Don't wanna see my daughter look for a father in different men cause she don't know me.
Don't wanna see my son get beat down without putting up a fight, making death earn him.
I care little for the affairs & issues of the previous generations.
I just got some mommy & daddy issues that needed to be processed on this station.
- Maãlík