I go silent to try to numb myself from the grief and when I do he whispers his songs in my ear. When I'm afraid or shattering God whispers in my ear love to go threw day. Momma says it just a dream that man doesn't know I exist and he doesn't want me around him. That he would get someone else who is successful. For me to quit dreaming about Dustin as it's just a dream that won't come true. That my love for him doesn't matter to him as he don't know who I am. For me to focus on never getting married and just work and pay bills. Since he has never came I guess she is right. I use to look at him so in love, now I look at him like he's going make some girl the luckiest woman ever having his heart. And I meant he was my last. So numbing, well I have to to get threw a day without him and without crying or being mad. I gave up begging and believing that he would be the one who would be the one to take me out of this situation and then he would be my only one to be with. That I would be his. Dreams are like wishes for Santa, they don't come true I guess. Our parents are Santa and dreams are our minds playing with us. That's why I get upset and cry when that guy text's I give him heck because whoever he is he doesn't understand that I love Dustin a lot and that guy is playing with my heart and trying to get me to believe that he's Dustin and he is going to be with me forever. That he will come, then says he needs money to buy a house The reason he hasn't came because I didn't do anything on his list or at least finish it. Love isn't love anymore, it's who benefits whom, their credit, place they live, what they own or don't own , their health or future health, their income, their family and mental state, the police records, their work history, and all that before you even get to date them in person. That determines who you really are to them, not how you would love them in person. Status is important to them and if you don't have a good background you don't get to be a part of their lives. That's what 2022 taught me. No more dreaming and love is status and only in books and movies. I just got to deal with never having that love that I see others have. Because it isn't real. Love to me was loyalty, warmth, safety, happiness and that's why I stay in bed to the last minute I have to get up for work. It's the only warmth and safety I get, God keeps me covered in these blankets, God speaks to me in my sleep, and God keeps me safe, his love isn't about all the background checks, or my credit score, or if I have a degree with a student loan debt, God loves me with my faults.
