I Don't Remember

Nine

Erin watched Linda swirl her spoon around in her ice cream bowl. "Hey, what's wrong? You love chocolate ice cream."

Linda sighed, "I just feel like I'm missing things. I know I'm no where near one hundred percent yet, and I have crazy mood swings, but Danny's.... He's trying not ti upset me, and he's doing a good job at it. And I appreciate him wanting to save me from headaches and frustrations, but he isn't telling me what's going on."

"Well I can tell you all that stuff. What do you want to know?"

"You won't sugar coat it?"

"Have I ever sugar coated anything?"

That was true. Erin always thought it was better to say things straight forward. She told it like it was.

"What's going on between Eddie and Jamie? They seem... angry at each other."

"Jamie's upset with Eddie because she isn't taking this IAB thing seriously."

"IAB?" Linda interrupted, her voice a little small. She could barely remember discussing IAB before leaving the hospital. But who was she talking to or about? Was it Danny? Jamie maybe?

"Yeah. Apparently she used too much force when apprehending a Perp. She used so much force, she gave him a head injury and he was in the hospital for a few weeks. I don't know the whole story, but I do know she isn't worried and Jamie thinks that's a bad idea."

Linda jerked her arm suddenly, her hand moving away from the cold bowl. Erin frowned, "does your arm hurt?"

"Bitch."

"I have to go now. I'll see you later."

"Where are you going? To the bathroom to cry?"

Linda bit her lip hard as she weaved her way through the nurses and doctors. She grabbed her purse from the locker room and walked to her car. As soon as the door closed, tears slipped down her cheeks. She wasn't even that upset with Eddie; yes, Eddie called her a bitch and it hurt, but that wasn't why she was crying. She was crying because she remembered Toby grabbing her, she remembered Mark grabbing her, she remembered Jack grabbing her. She remembered Salazar and his men grabbing her and forcing a needle into her neck. She remembered Danny and Frank grabbing her.

She couldn't be grabbed, she just couldn't. Frank and Danny had never done it again once she told them why she was uncomfortable with it. Now Danny grabbed her hand and Frank grabbed her shoulder. Her wrists to grab were off limits.

She sent a text to Danny that she wanted to talk when she got home and to have a large glass of wine ready for her.

~~~~~~

"Linda?" Erin called, wanting to get closer. She wasn't quite sure how to deal with Linda during flashbacks. Many many moons ago, when flashbacks were a problem for her brother, Linda had explicitly told the family to give Danny space. He didn't want to or liked to be touched. But Linda wasn't like Danny, and Erin didn't want to do anything to freak her out more.

"Are you okay? Are you with me?"

Linda blew out a breath, pressed her palms against the wood of the table. She nodded slowly, "yeah. Yeah, sorry."

"What happened? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, no, you didn't  do anything. I just... remembered something."

"Eddie grabbing you?" Erin guessed and Linda nodded.

She saw the guilty look on her sister in law's face. "It wasn't your fault, Erin. I could've been watching a Wendy's commercial and remembered it."

She didn't exactly believe that, "Jamie told us what she said to you."

Linda looks down at her melting ice cream.

"I'm sorry she did that."

"Danny knows," she said, rather cryptically.

"Knows what?" Then it clicked, "knows about Eddie?"

She nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, he knows."

"How did- how did he react?"

"Not as badly as I thought he would, surprisingly. He just told Eddie she wasn't allowed to visit you in the hospital. Made a little bit of a scene, but that's normal for him."

She licked her lips; she didn't want any of this to happen. She had been warning Eddie, warning her that her career could stop existing all from one phone call. She couldn't remember anything past the panic she felt, and the tears drying on her neck.

Had she driven while crying? That didn't sound like something she'd do, since her crying fully consumed her. She must've cried before she started driving. But then what caused the accident? Was it her? Was she not paying attention? Was she going to fast? Was she changing the music or something?

"Erin," Linda started, trying to keep her voice casual.

"What?"

"Will you do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"I need you to tell me all you know about the crash."

"Linda, I can't do that."

"Yeah you can. I know Danny's gone to you for all sorts of legal reasons regarding all this. I know you know as much as Danny knows. What happened?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Why not?"

"It'd be too traumatic. You need to remember yourself."

"But Danny's already told me some stuff, and nothing happened."

"The doctor told us not to tell you anything about those three years, and especially nothing about the crash. It would cause more harm than good."

She slumped back in her chair and actually pouted.

"If it was anything else, I'd probably tell you about it. But do you really want to have more flashbacks and panic attacks?"

"That isn't fair, Erin."

"It's the truth. I'm not going to derail any sort of progress you made by telling you about what happened."

"Was it my fault?" Linda asked as soon as Erin finished. "You can at least tell me that. Was it my fault?"

Erin swallowed, contemplating. Would it really make it any more traumatic if she put Linda's mind at ease? Wouldn't it be beneficial to get her sister in law to stop worrying about that aspect of it? "No, it wasn't your fault."

She nodded, "thank you."