Rescue Me (bwwm)

Chapter 14

'I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real.'
~21 pilots

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Mommy look!!" Screamed a small version of me. This day, I remember it well. I was 4 years old and this scene took place at one of my favourite beaches as a kid. Those few years of my childhood were some of the best. My mom was sober and still around, she loved me and from my 4 year old point of view she loved having a family. "I'm watching sweetie, look at you go." Her medium brown curly hair blew in the wind. She wore a long lovely summer dress with her baby bum more visible than ever. I remember being so thrilled to have another sibling. I watched as the younger me danced and twirled, putting a show on for my mom. She smiled and clapped her hands as I continued to dance. "Oh good job baby girl. You're going to be the best dancer some day." My small brown eyes lit up at her words. I watched from the side as my mother pulled the younger me into her arms. "I love you Riley" she pinched my cheeks and chuckled. "To the moon and back" I said to her, "to the moon and back" she repeated nodding her head. "And..." Four year old me said, waiting for my mom to finish my sentence. "And I love you forever and ever!" I felt a tear run down my cheeks as I watched the scene before me. Little did I know forever was just a word, there was no meaning behind it.

~

I opened my eyes only to be awaken by reality, it was just a dream. Relief and sadness settled in my mind, apart of me wanted it to be real and then another part didn't. Seeing or thinking of my mother always made me miss the old times, it made me think of what our family could've been. But she would rather get wasted and spend half of our earnings on cocaine.

It angered me that my dad didn't fight for her. It drives me crazy not knowing or having a filter on how my mom became who she is now. After Victoria was born, everything was fine. Still the happy family, when Victoria turned one that's when things started changing. At the time I was still so young and didn't understand a lot of those things. Things like, why my mom kept coming home so late smelling like booze, or why her and my dad were always fighting. With time she got worst. Always yelling at anyone who made her mad or got in her way. She went from being this kind soul, someone you would never expect to turn out the way she did, to a walking mess. When I turned six, I watched my own father throw my mother out of the house. He told her to never come back and if she ever did he'd call the police and have arrested. I stood at the door way begging my dad to give my mom one more chance. They both ignored me, my mother didn't even look my way or try to explain. She was too busy arguing with my dad to give her some money so she could get herself a good fix. She said that it would be her last one and things would go back to normal. When my dad finally got her out of the house, six year old me stood at the window screaming. I begged and pleaded for my mom to come back. I felt like a ghost, she didn't even glance my way. My mother picked up her bag and ran her fingers through her matted hair and walked on down the road. I banged and opened the window, calling for her to come back. My dad pulled me away trying to get me to stay calm. "She doesn't love us anymore Riley." I remember shaking my head in frustration, "No! You're lying, she said our love was forever. She's sick daddy. Please go help her." I fell on my knees crying, trying to get him to understand, but he wasn't having it. He screamed at me to go upstairs and not to come down till he said so.

That's another event I will never forget, because that was the day I lost my mom for good.

I took in a deep breath, pushing back the horrid memories. Carson's arms around me was making the thoughts easier to deal with. I wiped the tears away and turned to face him. He was still asleep, his chest rose up and down making him look restful. Carson was handsome, he had a freckle on top of his right eyebrow and had brown thick eyelashes. I smiled to myself and ran my fingers along his bare chest. His body was well built and rock-hard. His muscles were well outline and don't even get me started on his chest, his body was drool worthy. I smiled to myself realizing these strong arms held me last night. I was enfold in this glory and he was all mine.