Thoughts

How I Feel

I spent my whole life fixing broken hearts, but yet I didn’t know how to fix my own sadly. Yet I’m sorta dangerous sometimes when I’m hurt if you look closely. Then I can sometimes easily destroy everything around me that I hate, but I don’t.You know what instead of destroying everything around me, I destroy myself because I don’t want to hurt the people that I love or the people that I don’t even know.
I can be a bit wild and reckless, but I’m anything but helpless. I can be a little dangerous and mean, but I have a big heart that no one might ever see. I have a broken heart and it’s the worst thing, it’s like having broken ribs that nobody can ever see because the pain is an unbearable thing that everytime you breathe.
When someone is closer to tears than their heart might be shattered when it’s broken it’s the loudest quiet ever. But I do know the toughest part of letting go is realizing the other person already did, trust me it happened to me once. Let’s clear this: how much pain do you have to go through until giving up? I don’t know if I haven’t reached that point.
One thing that really hurts is when you go through something that kills you inside, but you have to act like it doesn’t affect you at all. You know what I’m falling apart is that I can barely breath with a broken heart that’s still beating.
You know what, congratulations! You’ve absolutely managed to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit that isn’t good enough for you or anyone, that is why I’m too scared to get close to anyone because they would promise that they would stay, but they would turn their backs and walk away from me. Another thing is that I really don’t want to get attached to anyone anymore because they would just leave and pretend like nothing happened. Everyone that I was close to, I just wish I could just give them my pain for the moment, not to hurt them, but to make them understand how much they hurt me.
The thing is that sometimes all I do is smile and move on with my day, hold back the tears and just pretend that I’m okay. Some days I can be too sensitive but the truth is that I just feel too much. Every word,every action, and every energy that goes straight to my heart. But the worst kind of pain is when you’re smiling just to stop the tears from falling, but I’m somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take if you don’t know.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t good enough for you, but I did try to be sorry. Another thing is when I ignore you it doesn’t mean I hate, it just means that you hurt me. One thing is that love is the most hardest drug to quite, but it’s even harder when it’s taken away from you trust me it happened to me that is why I want to do right now is cry, scream, and let it all because what I’m hiding inside me it’s just killing me so much inside. But hey I’m not afraid to try again, I’m just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.
One thing is if you felt it, then it was true. Getting hurt doesn’t always mean you suffered, it means you loved sincerely. Don’t frown because it’s over… smile because it happened, you deserve better than who hurt you. The weird thing is that I’m proud of my heart because it’s been played, stabbed, cheated, burned, and broken, but somehow it still works.
It’s hard for me to trust when all I have from the past is evidence why I shouldn’t. I always ask myself this, “does it ever stop hurting does it?” But then tears will start rolling down my cheeks. I always start thinking “what?” I realize that the hurting wont stop because giving someone the best of you and watching them choose someone else. I think the greatest thing that you ever taught me is that you can give so much of yourself to someone, and it still won’t be enough, and I am sorry that I was not enough. Then I realized that some people that I thought were healing me, but no, they are just breaking me even more not realizing it.
But the one thing that I realized is that sometimes my heart needs more time to accept what my mind already knows. Another thing that I realized is that it takes a strong heart to love, but it takes an even stronger heart to continue to love after it’s been broken, that’s how I feel with my heart.
Have you ever felt like you ever wanted to cry but no tears came out, so you just stare blankly into space while feeling your heart breaking into pieces? Have you felt like that? Well I have so many times that I lost count.
No one knows this, but I hide all of my problems behind a smile, behind my smile is a world of pain and hurt. But they thought you knew me, but they really don’t have any idea. You know being alone with your feelings is the worst because you have nowhere to run, they’re here dancing in your mind and all you can do is to handle it, but the question is have you ever felt like that? I do, I’m always by myself with my thoughts all the time.
I go out of my way to make others feel special because I know how it feels to feel worthless. I’m tired of fighting, most of the time, but for once I want to be fought for.
I get this feeling. This light headed feeling. The feeling of emptiness and disappointment. The feeling that frequently flickers through my ear, constantly reminding myself that I’m not good enough… That I’m never going to be good enough. I try and try, but yet I’m never good enough. I isolate myself from the world in hopes of finding better; a better life, a new identity. “Close your eyes” I say to myself softly while warm tears go down my cheeks, but unfortunately that’s not the case. I open my eyes and yet I’m still living, still breathing, and still me. I feel all of them.
Question: Do you ever get that feeling when you’re sitting in your room alone with your thoughts wondering you’re not crying but you just feel sad and empty replaying moments from your life and wonder where it all went wrong? Or is this just me that feels like that.
But I learned that you should let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough (I don’t know you should listen to that one), and it’s certain there’s someone out there who will love you even more (this one I truly believe).