Secrets Until Someday

Chapter 49

Sydney's POV

The distance Brooks was putting between us felt like a tsunami had come crashing down on everything we had and there was nothing that could be done to save it. I wasn't sure if it was his way of grieving, if it was something I did, or if the guilt was weighing too heavy and he was trying to walk away from me. The thought of it being the latter made my heart feel as if it was slowly turning to dust. Every time he pulled his love further away another part of me would dissolve inside my chest. 

Each day since his dad died I have waited for him to reach out, for the wall between us to fall, for him to look at me again with love in his eyes but it never came. I tried texting or calling and I got vague answers or short responses, sometimes nothing at all. It has been excruciating waiting, but at this point, I'm not even sure what I am waiting for. If it's for him to come back to me or if it's for him to finally say the words...for him to finally admit that we are over. 

It's been excruciating waiting even though three days isn't a lot of time when you are talking about grief but it's the distance of his heart that I fear the most. I know him, I see beyond his masks but at this point, I'm afraid to look too closely because I'm not sure I'm ready to know the answer. So all I can do is wait, even though I'm not exactly sure what I'm waiting for if it's for him to come back to me or for him to tell me it's over.

 I knew eventually the distance that our relationship caused him with his family would be an issue, even when he told me it wouldn't. But I never imagined this...his dad is gone and the way their relationship stood before he died was a destruction that no amount of love I could give Brooks would ever save him from. He had to choose it, he had to choose to love me despite the guilt and the grief. In place of the sadness I've been consumed with a flare of anger rises to my cheeks, I feel so pissed at his dad for what he put Brooks through and I feel pissed that because he is gone I can't give him a piece of my mind. It's not fair to Brooks to carry this guilt when he wasn't the only one who was at fault for what happened between him and his father. But how fair is it to carry around fury for a man who is no longer here? Am I really as selfish as Mr. Dawson always claimed I was?

T guilt weighed on my own shoulders at the thoughts running through my mind, but the pain of losing Brooks outweighs anything else coursing through my body. I don't know how to process all of it and it makes it all that much worse when I don't know where Brooks stands.

The preacher's voice interrupts the voice in my head, "Thank you all for being here today to celebrate the life of William Dawson, his family would like to extend gratitude to everyone who is here, and sent cards, food, and prayers following this devastating loss."  

Even though Mr. Dawson didn't care for me, I am still hurt by his loss and the pain it is causing two people that I love so much. I dab the tears from my eyes as I try to focus on the words coming from the man standing at the pulpit but I can't help my attention from moving toward Brooks. He is sitting only a few feet away cradling his mother in his arms. Layla's head rests on her mom's other shoulder and both of their eyes are rimmed red and puffy. Brooks stayed still, his eyes glossy but never losing his composure. I could tell by his breaths that he was frozen, not allowing any of it to touch him. It was only when a poem was read, that I saw one small tear slip down his cheek, but he brushed it away before anyone else could notice...But I noticed and I knew deep down he was breaking and being able to see through his mask gave me hope that he wasn't lost to me yet. 

***

Clay's family offered to host dinner at their lake house for everyone after the funeral. The house overflowed with people and it seemed as if everyone could finally breathe. Layla was curled up on the couch with a cup of tea, soft laughter floating from her as Kelsey whispered something in her ear. It made the pinching in my chest ease ever so slightly to see the smile cross her lips. I saw the way she looked at Kelsey, her hazel eyes, the ones that matched her brothers were filled with love, I recognized it by the way Brooks used to look at me. Now it's as if his eyes are empty, iced over, not allowing anything to penetrate the distance. 

He's continued to avoid me for most of the day and I've let him. I don't want to push, and truthfully the ache in my chest can't take his rejection anymore. I kept myself busy talking with Quinn, Sam, Maddie, Riley, and Clay, all of us standing around the island of the kitchen, and it wasn't until I saw Brooks sneak out the back door that led to the dock that I decided to excuse myself. By the time I made it out the door, I saw him standing there facing out onto the water. My heart thumped so fast in my chest that I thought it might explode. My head told me not to walk down there, that whatever conversation was coming wasn't going to be a good one but my heart held onto the hope. 

Before I could second guess it I surrendered to my heart and my legs were moving slowly down the steps. They trembled underneath my weight the closer I got to Brooks but kept moving forward. I tried to focus on breathing as my chest moved quickly up and down. My hands tingled and tears pricked my eyes. I bite my lip to hold them back and clung so hard to every I love you Brooks had ever whispered to me as I approached him. 

It was now or never, I couldn't keep waiting...I couldn't sit around with this question mark hanging around my neck. It made me feel as if I was drowning in the unknown. So before I could stop myself, I let out a soft, "Hi," and did my best to prepare myself for whatever came next. 

AN: Only one chapter left....what do you think is going to happen???