Holding On To Heartache

Chapter 12

Louis doesn't send a new message to Harry that morning. On the one hand he is way too nervous and on the other hand he wants to save the words for when he has him in front of him in real. Louis knows when Harry finishes work and has been sitting on hot stones for hours. After his second jogging lap this morning with Liam, who could hardly distract him from what lies ahead, he spent a long time in the shower. The water was pattering down on him and while Louis watched the water droplets run down the tiles, he decided to get the day around as best he could. And don't let the nervousness get the better of him because Louis mustn't go nuts today, he has to show Harry how serious he is. When he stood in front of the mirror and looked at himself like every morning, his thoughts kept wandering again so that he was not able to compliment himself today and when he sat at his kitchen table in front of a bowl of cereal, he could not eat any of it because his stomach was tight with fear. So much for getting the day off to a good start. Instead, he just sat at the table, staring out the kitchen window and smoking cigarette after cigarette. The only sound in his apartment was the ticking of the clock and he got dressed relieved when he glanced at his phone and realized that it was time to set off.

Louis doesn't care how pathetic it seems, but he pulled on one of Harry's shirts, one with a Rolling Stones print on it, and styled his hair just like the hairdresser did. He wants to look good for him, wants Harry to see that he's really embracing the changes and openly flaunting them.

He got the address of the kindergarten from Liam and is now sitting in the tube to get there. He is so sick that he is afraid he will throw up at any moment and tries to talk himself down. But with little success, as he gets off the tube and checks on his phone where he has to go, his condition gets worse and worse. When the kindergarten comes into view, he stops for a moment and breathes in and out deeply, his hands are shaking and his stomach cramps painfully again and again.

He can't fail now and loses his composure. Desperately Louis tries to regain control of his body. A glance again at the time on his phone tells him he has a few minutes before Harry's work ends, and he quickly taps Liam's number. He listens tensely to the ringing and breathes a sigh of enlightenment as he answers.

"Liam! Please tell me everything will be fine. I- I'm not feeling well." He starts talking before Liam can even say anything.

"Calm down Louis. Breathe in and out deeply. Where are you right now?" Liam talks to him soothingly and Louis takes a few deep breaths before answering.

"Just in front of the kindergarten. I'm so damn scared he really doesn't want to see me ever again. Maybe I should break it all off after all," he explains excitedly and his gaze keeps wandering to the colorful building.

"No Louis, you're going through with your plan. You can do it. And now you go there and own up to what you did and ask for forgiveness," Liam replies, and that puts Louis back on track.

"Okay, yes. You're right. I'll get him back," he says in a firm voice and the cramps in his stomach ease at least a little even though his hands are sweaty.

"Don't forget to tell me about it afterwards. Good luck," Liam wishes him and has already hung up before Louis can say anything else.

With a sigh, he puts his phone back in his pocket and slowly walks the last few steps to the kindergarten. There is a fence in front of the building and he sees some of the kids playing in the grounds. He can't see around the corner from here and doesn't really want to because he's not ready to face Harry right away. One of the little girls has seen him standing at the fence and slowly approaches him. Curious, she stops and Louis tries a friendly smile.

"Mom says I shouldn't talk to strangers!" says the girl and her blue eyes look up at him. Louis can't help but giggle as he crouches in front of the fence to be on eye level with her.