unidentified | billie eilish fanfiction

SEVEN: born to be alone

violet

i was awoken by the buzzing of my phone in my nightstand. i've been in new york for three days now, i've mostly been alone, minding my own business. alfred has not called for an update... well i think that's him calling so...

"violet." alfred said as soon as i picked up.

"yes?" i very sleeply said.

"did you just wake up?" he asked.

"yes al, it's fine keep going. why'd you call?" i rolled off my bed.

"you probably figured by now, but your family has discovered that you've been missing. they found a paper in your bedroom that said you've runaway. your father is furious, i don't think i've ever seen him this mad in my whole life, and you know i've worked for your family since he was young boy. sai- violet, i don't know to what lengths he's willing to go to in order to find you." he started.

"i need you to take percussions when doing anything ever. do not draw any attention onto yourself, keep your head down, just until this dies down. you know you father hates a scandal. and this- this can't be hidden with charity and campaigns, remember you had just gotten a raise, the next step was ceo. you disappearing... is huge."

"yeah okay." my heart was beating so fast and so loud, i could barely hear myself speaking.

"now you update me, what's going on there?"

"i got the thrift store job, i've been minding my own business. nothing has happened really, i'm just living." i shrugged.

"good, keep doing what you're doing. see you in thailand next." he hung up the phone.

rude. i wanted to ask about mama.

i moved on and started my morning routine with my drugstore products. miraculously my face has not broke out, at least not yet, so i'm grateful for that.

i've always been known as this confident, successful women that only ever cares about things that benefit her, her business and her family in london. but i believe no such women exists, we all have these self destructive thoughts that may just doom us one day. it's all an act you put on. hold your head high, shoulders rested for good posture, put a smile on and don't let them know you're human.

if they knew, that means that they could get to you, and once the world finds that out. you're a disgrace, you're weak, you're disqualified, you're not entitled to be in the position you're in, and they'll start saying a man should replace you. a man will replace you. it's just how the world works. no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise, we live in a man's world.

these thoughts whispered to me everyday, somedays they would be louder than others and some days they would be quieter than others. today they tell me, papa has found you, he has men looking for you at this right second. you are not safe. get out before they come for you. get out.

i put on my makeup, my clothes, my shoes, grabbed my phone and left the building. i have nowhere to go, but i have an idea to purchase something that could make me feel a little bit safer.

☆☆☆

"what's a pretty girl like you doing in a gun shop?"

"finding a murder weapon." i smiled innocently, then let my face fall and put the item i wanted to purchase on the counter.

"you own a gun?" he raised a brow a moment away from bursting into laughter.

"yes i do, i've owned many guns in my life. the first time i've held a gun was at five years old, don't you realize that many women have guns in the house in order to feel safe? so how about this. instead of you trying to put your misogynistic jokes on me, you ring me up so i can leave this awful smelling place." i put on a disgusted look. "you and your customers should consider using some deodorant."

"i am not serving you."

"your loss. you're aware that there are some other shops around here i could go to right? you just lost a customer and money. don't think that was smart." i shrugged, walked away and to the shop right next to this one. i found the perfect thigh holester, checked out and entered a random changing room in a random clothing store. where i wore my thigh holster and stored my gun in there. the only way i'll ever feel safe.

i can't go back to my flat, it's too risky. my thoughts are starting to drown me in wonder and fear. i have to distract myself, otherwise i might just go crazy. i walked, fast until i got to a starbucks, ordered myself a black coffee and walked out. too many children.

i think it's time for me to finally visit the studio. i caught a taxi and drove to the location, i payed and unlocked the door. it's a fairly sized room, enough for me to do my work comfortably.

alfred seems to have had already bought some supplies for me, which again, i'm grateful for since i just kind of assumed there would be stuff in here.

then my mind was blank. it's always been like that for me when painting. mama put me in classes when i was only four years old and i loved it. i used to paint day and night, everyday, until papa put me in training, to prepare for working in the company.

i'd like to set the company on fire one day.

before i knew it, it was ten pm and before me was a gigantic pastely jellyfish. it would be nice to be a jellyfish in another lifetime. those creatures are beautiful and mind boggling. how can one live without eyes, mouth, ears, not even a brain. they just exist.

i left the canvas out to dry, cleaned my brushes and trays, made sure the paint was sealed and then i finally locked up. my favorite part of the day came around, putting music on my speakers and doing my nightly routine before heading to sleep.

i've been sleeping without closing the drapes since i've got here. i'm in love with the highway view i have, in the middle of the night, when i randomly wake up that's what i see instead of weird shadows, disguised as the monsters that kept me up at night when i was a child.

and then one of these 50/50 thoughts came to mind, where you really don't know if you're gonna do it or not and it won't negatively affect you if you don't do it but it also won't affect you negatively if you do. i wanted to wake up at sunrise to watch it from my windows. it'll probably make my day and god knows i need good days.

i tucked myself into my bed and closed my eyes to sleep. another thing about me is, when i sleep, i sleep like a rock. i don't toss and turn, none of that, the position i close my eyes with is the the same one i wake up in. i don't even move when i'm pretending to be asleep.

a therapist once told me that was because i had trust issues. i fired him the same day, how can the way i sleep tell that i have trust issues? do i have trust issues? yes. but that nonsense is just him ripping me off. that my friends is why i don't do therapists.

my eyes fluttered open as the alarm i set the day before went off. i quickly closed the alarm, preventing myself from getting a headache so early in the morning. i made myself a cup of coffee and just watched the magic happen in silence. in that exact moment i felt happiness for the first time in a while.

i really do think i was born to be alone.