unidentified | billie eilish fanfiction

TWENTY - SEVEN: i hope

billie

i had a job interview today, well i had two job interviews today. both pay well, but i'm hoping i get one more than the other. not only does it pay better but the environment and the people that work there is a dream. not the dream i want to be stuck in forever but the kind that would be sweet for a little while.

that's what relationships are supposed to be like, sweet for a little while and then go into complete shit and you start over. you don't want them to go into flames but they always do, unless you fight really hard for them not to and it's happily ever after. even that is rare.

i'm not naïve, sure i may act all stupid and oblivious of the world around me but i know what it's like out here. i've seen stuff no twenty one year old should have seen. i was never brought up into this world sheltered by rich ass parents who could protect me from every harm in my way. i grew up poor, i played on the streets, i heard gunshots regularly and shrugged it off because if it was coming for me, i wouldn't be able to outrun it, i saw my mom starve herself so we could eat.

adults think kids don't know what's going on around them because they're too preoccupied being kids, but they know. they know more than adults are willing to admit to themselves.

i am aware that i lost my train of thought, what i was trying to say is i'm not stupid. love can be mistaken for many other emotions a lot of the time. love also doesn't always last. love is moody and when it doesn't feel like working when it's supposed to, it won't work. maybe it'll take a week off then come back, it may go into a coma and make it's host believe it won't ever come back and it may runaway.

my lover doesn't want to be with me. my lover gets intoxicated all the time to gather up the courage to talk to me. my lover likes painting me. my lover loves hurting me on a weekly basis. my lover sometimes makes me cry myself to sleep. my lover is broken. my lover isn't ready for me. my lover thinks they're not worth it. my lover loves like my favorite broken mirror.

try to piece it back together, piece by piece, but know cutting the flesh and bleeding out is a risk. i know it. she knows it. they know it. you know it.

i'm outside her door, i've been outside her door for fifteen minutes now. i can't get myself to knock, the last time i knocked there was a girl in that bed. there was a girl she was fucking in that bed. but her door opened by itself.

"how long have you been standing there?" she said. "come in, aaliyah is here though, sorry about yesterday, i was drunk." she pulled her bed hair back into a bun and invited me in.

"hey aaliyah." i smiled when i saw her.

"hi billie." she waved once. "i'm gonna go in the toilet with my phone and pretend i'm not here. also she's stupid, i'm with you." she walked over to the bathroom. "girl power." she whispered while making a fist.

"so suddenly i'm a part of a different species?" violet looked at aaliyah and aaliyah shrugged and locked the door.

"you told me you loved me." i began.

"you love me too." she held both my hands.

"i do." i slightly nodded.

"i'll buy you the taco bell, i know i shouldn't have ignored you yesterday." she admitted.

"see that's the thing v, you know what you're doing is wrong and you know you shouldn't be doing it, but you do it anyway. i don't care about the taco bell if i'm gonna get it every other day, i'm eventually going to grow sick and tired of it." i pointed out.

"okay, okay i know. i'm cutting my bullshit." she nodded way too many times.

"i'm confused." i admitted.

"keep going." she nodded, waiting for me to explain.

"you love me and i love you, we love each other yet we aren't together and we can fuck other people— this is messy this is so messy." i starting freaking out, leaving her hand behind and started pacing around.

she didn't speak once, she didn't stop my pacing, she just froze, she looked like she was in deep thought. i don't know what to do, i don't know what to do and i can see the possibility of us falling apart.

"what are we?" i asked.

it was stupid of me to ask, because i knew better. i knew better than ask a person who isn't ready for a relationship about our relationship status.

"this is bullshit." i tear fell without my permission. i brushed past her, "you can come out now." i knocked once on the bathroom door and left the apartment.

☆☆☆

"you were right." i burst out crying as soon as claudia opened the door to her house. "i should've listened to you, you were right and you can say i told you so now."

"oh billie." she grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. "do you want some taco bell?"

"no please no taco bell." i shook my head. "anything but taco bell."

"okay no taco bell." she walked me in.

"are finneas and tytus here?" i asked.

"no finneas took tytus to get some lunch." she answered. "i can tell him to get you something if you want."

"i don't want to eat." i shook my head "and i don't want tt to see me like this."

"okay let's go to the guest's room." she said and i walked behind her. i sat in the bed and she held me. i've been so mean to her lately, she has put up with so much of my shit and she is still here for me.

"she told me she loved me and then she ignored me." my voice cracked. "i called her, she was drunk and i told her i love her too." my voice started shaking. "we made plans to meet at her apartment and talk, i shouldn't have done that, because when i asked what does that mean she was silent. she doesn't want anything to do with anything that i want."

"now tell me, i told you so, say it because i know you want to say it." i cried. "then tell me what am i supposed to do in a situation like this. i know what i'm supposed to do. i have to stay far far away from her but i'm not going to do that, i can't do that. so tell me what to do."

"don't do anything, just think and wait until you think you know what you're gonna do. then do that, because this is your life, you're the one that gets to make these decisions." claudia brushed through my hair, that felt wet on my face from my salty tears.

"what if i make the wrong decision again?"

"then you learn from that mistake, and don't do it again."

"i keep making the same mistake."

"maybe i was wrong, maybe it wasn't a mistake. maybe you should try and fight. i'll never see what you see in her, but you clearly see something that is worth fighting for. so you go and you fight." she suggested.

"how many times do you think this is going to happen?" i asked. "before i break?"

"i think you're very strong, stronger that you realize yourself. i didn't realize this before but you really like her and you should hold on for as long as you can. i'll be here for you always, and when you finally break i'll also be here with you, but i hope.. i hope it lasts."