Miss, Do I Know You?

25 - Friday, January 22

Even with all the shifting parts of my life, one thing was clear—there was more going on between Alex and me than mere friendship. And it left me thoroughly confused, in the dark about the dynamics of every interaction.

Though I had been living at Sophia's for a week by then, whenever she was at work, I found myself gravitating back to the apartment. I hung out with Benji daily and extended our outings into the late-night hours with Alex. Sometimes, we would simply enjoy each other's company in silence where nothing was expected of me, her busy with work or books or painting, me whiling away the time playing guitar or tackling schoolwork. And even as we parted and headed to our own beds, we texted away until sleep inevitably took us over and the cycle repeated.

Whenever circumstances allowed us to be alone, there was no denying that a strange tension hung above our heads, a reminder of the almost-kiss and the things Gabi had shared with me. We skirted each other, our bodies close enough to feel that invisible wall but never close enough to break it, as if we had silently made promises that our friendship took precedence and everything else was better left untouched. And maybe it was.

Going back to school must have also been at fault, bringing with it our strange situation that had been kept at bay throughout the last month. Now, each day was a reminder that she wasn't just a friend but also my teacher. This realization had escaped my mind but was now back in the forefront, and it seemed to be the same for Alex. It was strange to see her there, to witness the radical shift that seized her personality within those walls. We became two different people then, the ones we were allowed to be.

But that day, the game of pretend was the least of my worries. Waiting outside her classroom for the next period, confusion took over. The departing class usually bid goodbye with friendly chatter and stupid jokes, like a daily competition to see who could make Alex crack a smile that we always joined in on out of habit, but this time, it was quieter. Exchanged whispers, sorry smiles cast her way, and pitying looks. Something seemed off right away.

Alex was usually composed, her posture straight and attention glued strictly on whatever she had decided to busy herself with every break. Now, her head rested on her hand, one leg tucked against her chest on the chair, absentmindedly rotating back and forth while chewing on a pen and staring at some papers. It might've been a casual sight if I didn't know her well enough, but even a stranger could've gathered that this wasn't her.

Even when class started, minutes ticked away with her in the same position. An initial flurry of conversations took advantage of her distraction, but over time, the chatter died away and brought the room to an expectant hush. That made her stir. Standing up, her gaze met mine briefly before she hurriedly looked away and cleared her throat.

"Sorry," she began, her voice flat. "So, um, let's get started with the new topic, which is, uh..." Her words trailed off, her brow furrowing in concentration. "Yeah, I actually have no clue."

Chuckles spread through the class, but her face remained untouched by amusement, foot tapping the floor while her fingers leafed through some papers on her desk that I knew she had no intention of using. And when she finally managed to get her thoughts in order, there weren't many. She assigned a bunch of page numbers and exercises and returned to her seat.

I couldn't have cared less about the exercises. For most of the period, my focus remained solely on her absentminded fidgeting, teeth holding the tip of her pen hostage and occasionally twirling it around her fingers, gaze stuck on the notes in front of her so unwaveringly that I eventually had to deem my inward begging futile and continue simmering in confusion with my eyes elsewhere.

"Fuck," a whisper came from in front of me, instantly accompanied by the clatter of a fallen pen that caused heads to snap up. At first, Alex seemed oblivious that she had said it out loud; she plucked the pen from the floor and returned to whatever she was doing before. But when her gaze lifted to meet the many stares, realization dawned. "Shit, I didn't—gosh, sorry," Alex stammered. Her mouth searched for words while her eyes darted around and lingered on me. But no words came, and she released it all in a sigh. "What am I even saying... Just forget that."