Miss, Do I Know You?

36 - Saturday, March 20

Watching Benji grow before my eyes was a wonderful sensation. Although it had been a mere half a year since we had first crossed paths, it felt as though we had known each other for lifetimes. He had already grown so much, and his seventh birthday, spent with him, Alex, and Gabi, had been one of the most amazing days I'd had in a long time. Which is a bold statement, considering how all my life consisted of lately were days that were good.

But amidst the happiness of a day well spent, there still lingered a bittersweet longing. There was always one thing missing. I couldn't help but think about Alex's touch, her lips on mine, her hands on my skin. My mind was so consumed with her that it seemed as though there was a physical ache in my chest. The way we kept stealing glances at each other was a strange sensation, knowing that the nature and future of our relationship remained uncertain.

"Birthday boy, come sit on this side," Alex barked out instructions as she set up the camera for their yearly photo, trying to prop it onto a flowerpot. But Benji flouted his mom's orders and clambered onto my lap instead. "Okay, that works too. Brie, a little to the right. And Kay, scoot your butt to the left. No, not that much. Leave a little space for me."

As the light on the camera began to flash, Alex scuttled back and settled between us all. When her hand wrapped around my waist, at first I thought it was unintentional, and maybe it was, but then she tilted her head to the side and leaned into me, and it felt like maybe it wasn't.

Seizing any possible second to be close to her, I returned the gesture and gently dragged my palm along the small of her back and under her jacket, trying my best to make it through the few seconds that felt like minutes without turning my head to look at her. It was the most intoxicating torture, that tingling sensation you get when you're so close, every nerve cell in your body in overdrive but your consciousness trying to play it cool and not make a fool of itself.

It had been a little over a week since our delicate conversation. Things between us didn't feel much different, but sometimes I could feel that we moved with a new degree of caution around each other. We were careful with our words and our gestures, not as spontaneous, and I had spent most nights at Sophia's instead of at hers, determined to give her the space she needed. Still, she remained the most prominent thought in my mind, and when the flash of light sparked a collective sigh of relief that weaved our glances together, her smile told me it was also true for her.

But before I could fully absorb what that meant, the chatter of the night resumed and had us returning to the warm glow of the fire pit in Gabi's backyard. My guitar provided the perfect backdrop for the conversations; it was Benji, however, who seemed particularly entranced by the music. The usual energy that defined the boy was gradually replaced by calmness under the sound, and before long, he was yawning and struggling to keep his eyes open.

Alex lowered herself before him, and with his slight nod, scooped him into her arms where he wound his around her neck and tangled his legs around her waist. As they disappeared into the house, my fingers continued plucking absentminded patterns of whatever came to mind to fill the quiet moments while Gabi gathered up the beer bottles she had emptied. The fire pit lit our faces with an orange glow in the deepening twilight, and the stars were beginning to dot the sky more prominently. The gentle breeze rustling through the trees and carrying with it the sweet scent of pine and earth only added to the ambiance.

On her way back to her seat, Gabi's eyes settled upon the developed photograph sitting on the edge of the firepit, her hand instinctively reaching for it, but she gave it only a brief glance before setting it face-down on the arm of her chair and opening another bottle. There was something about the way she paused that made me take note. Not even a pause, but more like a lingering.