Tears Speak The Words The Heart Cannot

Chapter 2: A Break In The Pattern, A Pattern Breaker.

*A/N: Okay guys, don't kill me but heres another tiny piece of the story to soothe your CoD hungry brains*

The days following Roach coming back and joining 141 were running sort of smoothly.

Ghost seemed to be in a better mood lately, hell even Price was happier with Roach around. Alejandro, Rudy, Gaz, all congratulating Roach on their return. Except Soap

Soap couldn't bear it, the way Ghost and Roach talked and joked with eachother like they'd come from a past life together.

"Steamin' bloody Jesus, never knew i'd get jealous over some stupid guy, they're just friends Soap". He said to himself as he sat, back against the wall of his quarters, he pinched his nose bridge and sighed.

Soap had known he was gay for a while, when he was a teenager he "fooled" around with other boys his age, he had a distant cousin who was in the SAS, and that inspired him to join also, so he lied about his age when he was 17 and had been doing the gig ever since.

What didn't help is over the years he had been in the 141 family, he has grown to develop a sort of crush on his superior, Ghost. 

Soap doesn't know if Ghost shares the same feelings. But that night in Las Almas he thought there was something different between them, from the banter, to the "flirtatious" jokes made between the two, and the way Johnny's heart had ignited a tiny spark of hope when Ghost had said things like, "A man after my own heart." "I like you.. alive" "Let's focus on you Johnny". He always gets nervous shivers and blush from his face all the way down to his chest when he recalls the way he whined about wanting Ghost to take his mask off.

He said he was quite the opposite and he was quite right, when Ghost Team was officially created, Ghost took off his mask and for a second there he was, Simon laid out all there for Johnny, and it felt like it was meant for Soap alone. Soap's eyes sparkled with wonder and awe when he saw Ghost's true face, Simon. He flushed at the way Alejandro had leaned into his ear and said "You're drooling, hermano."

--

Soap opened his journal, still with his back resting against the wall of his quarters, his watch reading it was 0300 hours in the morning. Christ what was he still doing up? Too early and his brain still has too many questions.

"People say you fall in love, but fall is such a sad word when you think about it. Falls are never good. You fall on the ground, you fall behind, you fall to your death. Whoever was the first person to say they fell in love must have already fallen out of it. Otherwise they'd have called it something much better."
(Quote: Reminder of Him by Colleen Hoover)

But for Soap, his heart fell in love, falling and falling harder for the love of Ghost, yet the arms of Ghost's love were not there to catch Soap's heart, they were there for Roach's instead.

Soap's heart fell to the ground alright, rock bottom, in fact, shattering it into a million pieces. They were right, there really is no room or time for love in the military. Not for Soap anyway.

Scratch, Scratch, Scratch.
Sounds of pen filling the air, Soap, running a hand through his mohawk-shaped hair, as he began to write in his journal, voicing his thoughts, his opinions on scenarios that haven't been created yet. A fever dream, thats all it was, because Soap could never have been Ghosts' first love.

As the black ink filled the paper, the tears filled his eyes, his mind left wondering, why, why, WHY.
And so he finished his work of "art", there on the paper, lay the very words of his shattered heart.

"I have never begged anyone to stay,
but i said please that day,
whatever it is,
we can work it out.
i have never
prayed for anything so badly,
but i remember
begging the universe
that if it could hear me somehow
all i want is a chance to make it work
it was when
i was on the verge
of loosing you
that i realised
i've never wanted anything more
i can't
was all you said,
and that was the end of it all.
2 words,
5 letters,
i've never been hurt
by anything more."