A Beautiful Life

Don't Let Go [En Vogue]

It was a long, difficult week.

To move, to shower, to eat, to attend her classes. Even taking care of her dog. Fucking being alive made her exhausted. Dehydrated from crying. Sakura couldn't stop crying, unable to relieve the painful weight in her chest. It was so heavy. She didn't want to carry it anymore.

And they all tried to help her, they really did. Jax seemed to be equally Teresa's, and she was feeding and walking him, generously handing him over to Sakura for therapeutic cuddles as she lied curled in her bed. Andrew would visit her, try to get her up to go to the gym with him. They hadn't worked out together in a while.

Sakura missed her classes that week. Except for her Tuesday night class. Only because she wondered if he'd come to walk her home. Just like he had done every week. But when class ended and she descended the staircase, Aiden wasn't there. He hadn't shown up like he said he always would. She walked home alone in tears. It made her feel worse and recoil into bed for the remainder of the week.

Sometimes when she closed her eyes, she could feel him touch her. When she curved into her bed and inhaled her pillow, she swore she could smell him. She was beginning to forget his scent. It scared her, how used to it she was. Strong and warm, just like him. She liked to pretend she was still in his arms and that everything was okay. Sleeping felt better than being awake. It was hard to face reality.

Someone unexpected had forced her to get up and take the world for her own. Slowly, painfully. He came to her Friday afternoon, cursing the dog, yet he bent down to pet him eventually. Dragging her chair, he brought it to her bed. Sakura hadn't bothered to move, lying there in her own misery, hoping she wouldn't cry. What he said to her next brought it out of her. But not for the reasons she expected.

She was never really close to her uncle. He was nice to her, very sarcastic. But they never formed a deep relationship. Sakura became very connected with her maternal grandparents, who raised her after her parents died. She always felt more linked to her Japanese side than her father's American. That was how she was raised. Lenny was a crude American. Yet, he was very well loved by her family.

He sat before her with his knees opened, a slouch to his back as his arms folded across his chest. A thin line pressed into the shins of his tailored pants. She found her reflection in the glimmer of his eyes. It was disappointing how pathetic she looked. She hated herself for being so weak.

"The worst day of my life was also the worst day of yours."

Her stare was blank, unfocused, settling on her blanket as he continued. His gaze shifted, a concentrated sigh fleeing his nose as he contemplated his next words.

"It's easy being tough when you have nothing to fight against. Such a shitty façade when there's no threat to your happiness. So when my brother died, I wanted to keep that mask on, to pretend that it didn't hurt me. I wanted to keep being tough, because for anyone to see my pain meant that I was weak, a failure."

Sakura felt a tear slip down her cheek, but she didn't move to wipe it. Her stare was forward, empty, her eyes boundless black holes.

"But you...You were just a little runt. You lost everything. Just a tiny little shit. There was no way you could've had your life together. Your life was still their life. But somehow, you were more of a man than me. This kid, who lost her parents, whose entire life was turned sideways. You fought for your right to be alive. To be happy."

Their eyes connected when he leaned forward. Her cheeks burned from the sweltering flow of tears.

"You're the strongest fucking person I know," he said in a low tone, reaching to hold her shoulder. "You went and danced for your mom and dad on that stage months after they were taken from you. I know they were both watching you, kid. They wanted you to live, and you did. You didn't self-destruct. You have persevered since."