lisa ann walter adopts you

part 3

TW: panic attacks, ed, body image
quinta, sheryl, and lisa lead me inside. i take an exhale in deeply , amazed by the sight of actually being on the real live set of this show. "i know, pretty cool, isn't it? " lisa says. "yeah..!" i say .
quinta and sheryl say "okay, we have a scene rn, but lisa and you don't for a bit. why don't you let lisa take you on that tour i offered you earlier?"
"omg , i would love that!" i exclaim.
"i'm cool with that plan." lisa says gently.
she leads me through , and takes me everywhere. from where they're filming a scene rn, to where i will get my makeup and hair done . not much, though , which im kind of sad about. i've always been insecure about my looks, ironic , considering i'm an actor, and i'm abt to be on national television. i wish they'd get me all glammed up, but i know they just want me to look natural :(
"so, what are you most excited about for today?" lisa asks me. "i think just to get to work with you. i've heard so many fun stories on how motherly you are with the cast , and i was thinking maybe i could experience that. now i'm sounding a bit weird , oops. but you're just so talented."
"no, its  okay. you don't sound weird at all. thank you honey   , i'm excited to work with you too. here , we almost have to go on set, so why don't i show you where your trailer is, if that's okay? all your outfits are in there. "
"okay!" i say.
i want to run over there , i mean , this is a dream come true. i honestly can't believe that one of my favorite actors is actually showing me towards my very first, very own trailer. this is unreal .
once i get to the door, she lets me inside and goes into her own trailer, saying to call her if i need her. there's an outfit already set out, that says day 1. it's cute, but it's something that feels , well, not exactly form fitting.
there's a full body mirror in the trailer , and i put it on , afraid to look.
once it's on, i feel a small, itchy tear come out.
i feel larger then ever .
lisa knocks on the door as i'm body checking. "honey? it's almost time for our first scene. are you ready?"
"yes, i think so! " i say, hoping im disguising the fear in my voice. i think im a pretty good actor, but people can be pretty harsh, especially when i'll be right next to THE lisa ann walter. i hope i'll be able to match her energy.
"okay! great." lisa says.
i pick up my phone first, before opening the door. i've gotten a notification from twitter and it says how much they've been missing abbott episodes lately, because we've been on a break with releasing episodes. i know i really cant disappoint them now. i hope i can still have fun, though.
i open the door , and lisa looks me up and down. "sweetheart have you been crying? " i guess i look like it. "um.. " i shrug my shoulders . "just a little freak out that's all. "
"aw love do you wanna say why? no pressure but im here for you. the scene can wait. let's sit down on the steps and we can talk , okay?" she says
"okay. " i say, my voice breaking a tiny bit.
"hey, hey hey. " lisa shushes kindly.
"it's okay. you can say anything to me . i know how it's like to feel scared ,or pressured in this industry. i know what it's like to be sad or overwhelmed. trust me, i've felt that way a lot. do you wanna tell me what's on your mind?"
i take a deep breath. "i.. well. you have to promise to keep this a secret."
"anything you say is safe with me. this cast is a safe place. " lisa says, deciding to rub my shoulder out of love , and i flinch a tiny bit. "oh. im sorry, i should've asked if i could touch you. "
"it's okay. i know you were trying to be comforting. i'm just a lil sensitive that's all."
"i get that . " lisa remarks gently.
"okay so uh .. basically why i was crying. my dad .. "
"uh huh. " lisa encourages me to keep going.
i let out a small whisper. "he .. touches.. me. inappropriately. and um.. this morning, he touched my boobs."
lisa gasps, but not too loud so as not to alert everyone. "oh honey.. i'm so sorry. you don't deserve that. i believe you . has he ever touched you anywhere else? or harmed you in any other way?"
"he's touched me inappropriately in every inappropriate spot you could imagine . and he hit me once , but that was only because i was failing school, so maybe .. maybe i deserved it. he kind of makes me feel like i'm a failure. and the only reason he let me in this job , because he knows acting is my dream, is because i promised him i would give him all the money. he's just going to waste it all on stupid crap, like mcdonald's or soda. i know im lucky he doesn't smoke or drink, or hit me too much. but it still feels so bad sometimes . and i was mainly crying because , well . he only touches me when i gain weight. i sort of have an eating disorder . and i was going to start recovery, because with the show hiring me, i thought "maybe i am okay enough to let go and get better" you know? but now, he touched me because i gained weight. so.. ive relapsed again. and i recovered even though i was already insecure abt my body, thinking maybe the show might help give me even a tiny bit more confidence. but now that i'm actually here, wearing this outfit.. it feels like i'm not good enough again . so , i cried because my body feels so big again, and i just despise it. "
im crying by this point , all over again.  and i've managed to lean into lisa in the slightest bit, even tho i still have trust issues with touch, she feels safe, and she asked halfway through if she could stroke my back. i said yes. "oh wow .. that's a lot to process love. i know i said i would keep it a secret."
i start to panic, my heart beats fast in my chest and i cry louder and faster.
she can't tell anyone about this. he's gonna do something worse to me if she does . what if he doesn't let me come back to set??!!
"shhhh shhh hon it's okay. it's gonna be okay. what i was thinking is that i'll call the police okay. and they'll take your father to the station and interview him,  and they can call a social worker to come talk to you. you just tell them everything you just said to me. i know it's scary, but honey you need to be safe. what does your mom think of all this ? "
"okay." i sniff-sob. "she.. doesn't really care. she doesn't want her image destroyed. i mean ,  shes a teacher . and she thinks if people find out her daughter is being sa'ed and has an eating disorder bc of her husband , people won't like her as much anymore. she wants everyone to like her,  and it's infuriating. she's always yelling at me about how my dad can't go to jail, so i can't tell anyone. but i told you , because i trust you. " i sniff - sob again, burying my head into her stomach lightly, laying down on her.
"i.. i won't get fired because of this.. will i? i mean, i still get to keep the job.. right? "
"of course you do, love. remember how you said you wanted to experience motherly things from me? maybe we can look into me fostering you for just a little while, if that's something that would be okay with you. i mean, you look a bit on the small and sick side , and your mom knows abt all this sa and money laundering from you and she's just standing by and letting it happen. i think it's pretty irresponsible. plus all that screaming at you.. mixed with your dad ?? i just don't think this is a situation that you can thrive in for much longer , honey. and i know we just met. but i have a pretty good financial situation, and i've raised a few kids of my own .what would you think about that? i mean, it's better then having to stay with a foster family, which is usually , just as abusive. "
"i think that would be great , lisa . i would really love if you could help me somehow . please help me. "
i say softly. lisa says back "of course. i will try to do everything i can to help you. you are so brave. you're gonna be okay."