lisa ann walter adopts you

part 9

we get home and i ask to watch lisa's show , life's work with her , because i think it would be cool to watch it with her, and a good way to start bonding.
we sit on the couch together and watch , and lisa doesn't end up forcing me to eat, but we've compromised that i have to eat at least one meal each day, plus take vitamins. and she knows i'll lie about it, so she has to see me eat it. she knows all the secrets and lies that come with being disordered.
she tells me i can always tell her anything, now that i have her i won't be alone.
i end up falling asleep on her shoulder on accident , and she lets me stay there for a bit, until eventually she gets up and puts a blanket around me. i slowly blink awake with the sudden movements , and she asks gently if she can go lie down in her own room.
i say yes, because she's already done so much for me, and i feel like such a baby.
she tells me if i need anything to call her, her phone will be on ringer.
i fall back asleep , hoping i have a good dream, but end up having a nightmare about my dad getting bailed out of jail and coming to sexually assault me again ,and taking me away from lisa. i wake up, breathing hard.
it takes me a minute to realize again where i am.
i go on twitter , because that's what i always do to distract myself, and type in the words "edtwt." all of a sudden , thousands of results are pulled up. thinspo, food polls, starving tips.
i feel a sudden self hatred , even more then before . i need to get smaller, take up less space. i wont be as big of a burden, i won't get hurt ever. maybe i won't even have as many nightmares .  why did i ever let myself get bigger?
i want to hurt myself , im so mad at myself.
i go into the kitchen and look for a blade , a sharp one.
i cut deep into myself , i don't care if i have set tomorrow. i can cover the scars with makeup. i cut deeper, and deeper, until the blood comes pouring out of my wrist. my arm burns and itches , and i let out a small scream of pain. i keep going on my other arm , carving away the fat and pain and disgust .
i suddenly feel very weak and dizzy .
lisa comes venturing out of her room, and into the kitchen, looking half asleep until she sees me, and suddenly her eyes widen.
"anna??? anna what are you doing? oh my goodness sweet girl. "
i start crying , i never wanted her to see me like this and i wasn't expecting her to catch me. "i'm sorry, im sorry im sorry i have so many problems . please don't hate me . please don't be mad .please don't hurt me or yell. "
"anna. " she's walking fast up to me, and she hugs me tightly.
"it's okay anna , i'm not going to hurt you. no one is going to hurt you. or yell at you. you're safe.. honey i need to clean you up. "
"okay" is all i say, and nod in agreement .
as she cleans me up, which makes it burn even more, she asks what happened.
"i had a nightmare ."
"oh baby . i'm so sorry.  next time come to me, okay? how long have you been harming yourself like this ?"
"idk. for as long as i can remember . when i was a kid i realized letting myself bleed was like letting all my pain come out. so i haven't stopped since. when i do it i feel like i'm enough ."
"anna. " she looks at me lovingly and longingly, with sympathy.
"you are enough . you have always been enough . we need you here. we all love you, and i don't want you to hurt yourself so bad one day that you're not here anymore. i know you're in pain. i know . and im not mad. but i'd love to do anything i can to help you get better. "
"thank you . " i sniff. "may i hug you please?" i ask.
"of course."
i hug lisa willingly. and she holds me for a while. she whispers things in my ear until i eventsully fall asleep. she's the only person i've felt safe enough to do that with in a long time. she stays , holding me, all night.