What about me?

Part 19

Tae and I spend the next three weeks together and it's pure bliss. I'm certainly getting everything I wanted from our affair and maybe more. This is the part that's scary. Things that I thought I couldn't have, I want.

The more time I spend with him, the more I realize he may be real. Like him helping Hwan at Christmas. He didn't know I was in the room when they were speaking. And him listening to bits of my conversation that first night and coming to Christmas dinner with perfect gifts for my parents. I can ignore those things however there's a part of me that wants to dismiss it. Because that would make him too good to be true. This seems just who he is. How can I not care about a man like him? He's consistent and I like that. But like me, he's not looking for a committed relationship. Right?

I have to remind myself why we're doing what we're doing. Lately, I find myself forgetting and questioning what I thought was a good decision and a new direction. How long can this fantasy go on? A long time, I hope. It feels perfect at times. Nothing's perfect, I at least know better than that. I tell myself it's all surface. You know, a mirage. I believe that until he touches me. His lips and hands communicate what I believe is an authentic passion and with longing that matches my own. This can't be faked.

I don't know his background. As if knowing his background or uncovering some shocking secret could change what I'm feeling. Feelings I won't name. Feelings that refuse to be held down or blocked off. I don't want to know. It's just good. Really good. Why can't that be enough?

Gone is my loneliness and sense of not belonging. We've gone out to dinner, attended sporting events, seen a few movies out and even worked out together. However, most of our sessions end with us in the bedroom where our workout continues and ends with us screaming the other's name.

I talk with Sasha nearly daily, and she helps me to stay sane and levelheaded. I don't know why but sometimes I can over think things. . Sasha says it's because I read so much love fantasy fiction that my minds always creating. I can't help it that I'm a creative person. I chuckle recalling some the shit I've come up with. Sasha a good friend and always listens. I need my girl and I'm lost without her. Of course, she asks how it's going with me and Tae damn near every day. I tell her the truth. I'm having fun and having lots of great sex. She agrees if it's working for us both, don't fix it. However, she suggests I go for more and make us a serious couple. That would mean a far extension to the farthest edge of my comfort zone. The thought of that much exposure and vulnerability shakes me to the core. I have to be certain. I was so certain about Akito and was hung out to dry. Never again. He has to want it too. And I have no idea where he is at. I just won't be broken like that again.

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It's been three months and things have changed a lot. Some things have not changed. Tae's as kind and considerate as ever. I find that when Tae's away, I miss him. I'm uneasy, anxious, and scared until I see him again. This was my first deception with Sasha. I haven't told her this and I'm not sure why. Okay, I know why. She'll say detach or tell him I want more. I'll tell her at some point, just not now.

After our first month together, we start spending time at his loft in the Seomyeon neighborhood, downtown Busan. His neighborhood is full of high-end shops, entertainment, and restaurants all just outside of his door. I love this part of the city, while my home is further near the outskirts of Busan and has more of a suburban feel to it.

His loft space is huge and wonderfully decorated. Tae's a bit of a minimalist, that is with the exception of space. No clutter and only what he needs. It's not that I'm messy, I just have a lot of shit and I'll fight anyone that tries to take it.

The walls of his loft are filled with exquisite art. Walking into his place is like walking into an art museum. I'm no stranger to the fabulous homes and lifestyles of the rich and famous, having worked with artists and top music executives in my industry for years. It takes a lot to impress me, which has nothing to do with location, size, and expense. Damn, I'm impressed. Every area and room feels warm. The lighting, the furniture, and its arrangement. Every chair, rug, and picture says Tae. Cultured, classy, beautiful. Tae has a jazz collection that marvels my dad's. Oh god, several of his albums have signatures on them. Dad would be in jazz heaven as I am. The loft is equipped with a sound system that runs throughout his home.

His building only has ten loft units, two per floor and Tae's loft is on the top floor with an upper outdoor deck. The only unit in the building with an outdoor space.

There's a private dog park for tenants only. It couldn't be better for Bam with plenty of room for him to run. Tae and Bam are best buddies as Bam is good at sharing his love. When I'm busy working, Tae takes Bam out for a walk or run.

I work from home, so I manage my own schedule. I have a recording studio in my home, and I need to be there when I record. I bring my portable sound board and some other required equipment since I'm now at Tae's half of the week. Tae manages his business on his phone and from his laptop. Some days he goes into his office for meetings. He doesn't say much about his business. I'm curious but don't ask. That's the nature of an affair. Honestly, I don't like it; however, I understand it. It's outside the rules and I'm scared if I violate them, he'll end us.

We stick to the rules of our affair. We don't get into each other's business unless invited in. Like me, inviting him to Sunday dinners with my family. Well, my dad did that. Now, every Sunday he goes with me to my parents' home. I don't have to ask -- he's always ready and willing. He seems to enjoy it. Dad loves it and is always waiting by the window when we arrive. He never did that for me. Mom loves to feed him and listen to Tae, dad and me having a jam session. Even Hwan seems eager and finds time to talk with Tae when dad releases him. They love spending time with him as do I.

My parents really like Tae and surprisingly mom doesn't say anything. She just smiles a lot. I can't uninvite him, and I don't want to. Tae has not invited me into his life. Whatever happened with his dad, he doesn't talk about it.

Several times he's gone out late at night after getting a call. He always returns in about 2-3 hours. Is this him keeping within the borders of our agreement or are they secrets? I don't know. I don't push because I don't want to know. If I know too much, we might have to end. And I never want that to happen. Us end. How am I supposed to give up cuddling with him on the couch, or what a good second papa he is to Bam?

The sex is amazing, and I feel as if I'm living my best life. We are starting to explore some soft bondage and surprisingly I like it a lot. Tae asked if I trusted him. Of course, I trust him. He bound my wrists and blindfolded me. Last week he bound my wrists and ankles. A part of me opened up that I had no idea existed. It was exhilarating and I felt so alive. It was like living some of the best parts of my fiction stories in real life. I can't wait to do more. I wouldn't have discovered it without Tae. I feel safe and free with him. I can't wait to explore more with him.

I'm still scared of being hurt, but I think I want to try with Tae. But how do I bring this up when we have an agreement? We both said that we wouldn't catch feelings. How stupid was that? Catching feelings is something that can't be avoided. I'd be humiliated if I put myself out there and then he rejected me. Why didn't I see this before I agreed to this arrangement? Was I that desperate for his dick? Okay, I shouldn't answer that. But I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I just don't want to break it off yet.

Today, Tae's out at his office and I'm working on some new music. I take Bam down for his walk in the dog park. He's met a friend, a chocolate standard French poodle, named Fifi. They run and play together, and he appears happy. Even his world is expanding since I've met Tae. 

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Has Kookie gone past the limits of adult dating? Is he in too deep?