What about me?

Part 29

Tae helps me into the passenger seat as I don't feel my body. I'm numb and dizzy. He actually buckles me into my seat, and I just stare as my bottom lip continues to shake.

The hospital is at least 20 minutes from the loft, but Tae does it in like fifteen minutes. Tae tells me to breathe. I've learned from Tae what an effective technique breathing is for reduction of my anxiety and fear. It doesn't help this time because my head is playing my self-created hit list of the worst-case scenarios. My throat is excessively dry, and I feel like I'm swallowing razor blades. Tae senses my distress from my constant throat clearing and hands me a bottle of water.

We're in route to the hospital and Tae breaks the silence, which I know is a good thing. Being in my head alone when I'm scared is like being in a dangerous neighborhood. I shouldn't go there alone. This is where communication and sharing is vital. Knowing this, I still shut down. "Kookie, we'll be their soon. Just keep breathing." Tae's voice is soft and caring. I feel his hand touch my leg and I nearly leap out of the window. It feels intrusive because I'm a bundle of raw nerves, jumpy and scared. Tae clearly gets my clue and backs off. I should just tell him again and again that I'm scared. Instead I continue staring out of the window and intermittently taking large gulps from my water bottle.

"Kookie you're okay, just keep breathing." I know he means well but irritation burns in my throat and my skin prickles with tiny annoying sparks. I'm scared and angry.

"No, I'm not okay!" I pull in a series of deep breaths and try to come back down to earth. "I-I'm sorry Tae. I-I just feel scared. I'm happy I shared that. I can't imagine something happening to my father or mother. I really need them." I turn my head back towards the window with unfocused eyes as fear rolls over me. In this moment, I can't recall my commitment to share more. My reactivity has me in a choke hold and I quickly become a live wire of anxiety that takes me into defensive mode. This is not a good thing for me. I close down and all I want is to see is that dad is okay.

"There's nothing to apologize for. I understand and I'm sorry this is happening. Please calm down and let me support you. I'm sure he'll be okay." I can't pull back from my reaction as it explodes from me.

"How do you know that?! You don't even have a relationship with your own father!" In my fear, frustration, and reactivity I cringe immediately. I know that no matter what is happening, what I said was unwarranted, rude, and harsh. Only a few hours ago, Tae and I had this amazing breakthrough. He shared a tender secret with such trust and vulnerability. Why did I say some fucked up shit like that? I place my hand across my mouth and lower my head squeezing shut my eyelids. Tae is silent and I want him to say something, anything. I look up after several minutes and see the hospital emergency department sign as he pulls up front. I open the door and run inside.

I run to the front desk and give my name. The nurse tells me that dad has been admitted and gives me a pass to go to the 10th floor waiting area where my family is. Apparently, the doctors are still assessing dad. The goddamn elevator seems to take 20 minutes to get to the 10th floor. There are several others on the elevator and damn if we don't stop at every floor. I swear, if one more person says a cheery hello to me, they're going to need a hospital bed by way of the emergency department. Anger burns in me as I jet off the elevator and rush down the hall towards the sign saying waiting room. I rush in and mom is crying while Dae is holding her and Hwan is pacing the floor nervously.

"Kookie!" Mom shouts as I rush to her side. "You father is ill and..." She bursts into tears and falls back into Dae's arms. Dae gently rubs her back. I walk over to Hwan who continues walking.

"Hwan, what happened?" Hwan just shakes his head and comes over. He seems to be doing a better job than me keeping it together.

"He uh was up on a damn chair, you know how he is Kookie. He was trying to replace a light bulb that I told him I'd fix. I was in the kitchen with Dae when I heard the crash and then mom screamed. We came running and he was on the floor not moving." My head spins as I go sit on the other side of my mother and take her hand. I try to make sense of this in my head. I just want to hit something or yell. I target Hwan.