crescent [h.s]

53

Aurora Styles

"Mummy, where are we going?"

I turn to look at Dove who's sitting next to me on the kitchen counter, watching as I wrap both Deli and Sarah's birthday presents.

"It's both your aunt's birthday week! We're gonna go have fun and eat some yummy food with them at auntie Deli's!" I say with a smile, genuinely looking forward to today.

She gasps and puts her hands to her mouth, at the same as I stuff the rest of the gift bag with some shredded tissue paper to make the present look more exciting, "Can I go in their pool!"

Despite it being November, we've been rewarded with yet another very warm autumn, so I nod, "Yeah, I think that can be arranged."

She grins up at me, Harry coming back from the car, kissing my cheek and looking at me with a glimmer in his eyes I see once a month before the hope is slaughtered with one single line, "Little sunny girl, do you wanna go play with Marsh and say bye to him for 10 minutes? Make sure you say bye twice, as me and you are going out tonight after we get home from auntie Delilah's."

She nods, not even questioning where me and Harry are leaving to, before hopping down from the counter and running over to the half awake fluff ball on the couch.

We both sigh and take each other's hands, walking up stairs and into the bathroom. The strip test is already out ready for us, and like clock work, I pee on the stick, and wait the 3 minutes hugged into Harry's chest.

The timer goes off and I shake my head, not wanting to see the proof of a negative with my own two eyes, "I can't look, I can't do it again."

Harry kisses my temple, cheek, jaw and shoulder before whispering into my ear so gently a little bit of pain and hurt evaporates, "Would you like me to check and then just chuck it?"

I nod, not being able to verbalise my answer, eternally grateful I don't need to try and my nod is enough for Harry. He reaches behind me, his chest contracting against mine as he takes a deep breath, and then I hear the test being lifted off the counter.

I screw my eyelids tightly shut, until I can see fireworks of squeezing blood vessels in my eyes go off, giving my brain an image other than the reality behind me to focus on.

No words leave him, he just hugs me tighter.

And then throws the test away.

He buries his face into the crook of my shoulder, his arms wrapping further around my waist, squeezing me tight to his chest, shielding my weak body into his. He sniffles against my skin, breathing in deeply, the depth of his breath muffling the sound of his hoarse voice, talking to me or to himself I'm not sure.

All I hear is the repetition of one phrase, "I'm so sorry."

The fragile, thin skin resting under my eyes start to fill with burning tears, a cumulonimbus cloud of emotion ready to flood our life and drown everything in its path.

But, I bite my inner cheek, to divert the pain away from my heart and into a physical pain I can visibly heal from, sewing up the wound in place due to my own behaviour, rather than the pain in my soul I can't see, can't examine, can't measure and can't heal with modern day medicines.

So I put on a brave face, and a fake smile, "I-it's okay baby, we'll be okay."

He nods and pulls back from my shoulder, his eyes glassy but strong with keeping the emotion locked inside, "We will be, I know we will."

I bite my lip, nodding, breaking the connection of us staring at each other in a hope of finding our future deep in the iris belonging to one another by kissing his lips as normally as I can manage whilst processing our 7th negative.