crescent [h.s]

57

Harry Styles

My heart practically stops at his sentence, "W-what?"

He nods at me as Aurora's hand squeeze mine and don't let go, "I am so incredibly sorry–"

I shake my head, not thinking straight as I interrupt him, "N-no. Like bad? Completely in-infertile? Absolutely no chance of getting pregnant naturally, ever?"

His voice is calm as he says, "The way we determine a sample being infertile is if there is less than 15 million sperm per milliliter of semen. You had around 14.5 million."

Aurora speaks up for me, "Okay...? So what are our chances of getting pregnant naturally?"

He looks apologetic, his body language giving away what his words legally can't, "I can't give you an exact answer, but if I were to give you an educated guess I'd say anywhere between 5-8%."

"So," I speak before thinking too much, "we have a chance of getting pregnant? Just a very small one?"

"Yes," he starts, "there's a very tiny chance, but if I'm completely transparent, I wouldn't bank on it."

I rub my hand down my face in frustration, "So why aren't they doing their job? I have 14.5 million sperm, so why aren't they doing what they're meant to? That sounds like enough to me."

"I can understand your frustration about this, I really am sorry. Unfortunately, in your case, it's not just about having a low count. Your sperm also have low mobility, meaning they lose energy and practically just stop whilst on the journey to the egg."

I sigh heavily and blink up to the ceiling, trying not to lose my temper due to how devastated I am, "Why? What went wrong?"

The doctor pauses and I look back down at him to see him glancing at Aurora, not saying anything to her, but just looking. He then lifts his eyes to me and says, "I don't think it will benefit either of you to know why."

Aurora freezes, "W-wait, you know why?"

He nods slowly, "We have a reasonable suspicion and a lot of evidence to back up the suspected cause. But, like I said earlier, it's my job to inform you of all information that I believe is necessary. I don't believe this is that."

I shake my head again and run my hand through my hair, tugging at the strands, "No, I'm sorry, but I can't carry on like this. I can't handle knowing there is a cause, but I'm not aware of it. Please, just tell us..." when I see his face show no change, my voice breaks as I add, "I'm begging you."

He sighs to himself and keeps his eyes on me, "Please know we have people that are available to support you over this, whenever you need–"

I interrupt, "I have my own therapist already, please just spit it out. The waiting is killing me."

He takes a sip of water before breaking the news to us, "Harry, you were on antidepressants for a long time."

My heart races and my hands go cold in Aurora's grip as he carries on. "I'm guessing you weren't informed of this, but a side effect of taking antidepressants, especially for such a long time, is infertility. I am so, so sorry."

My heart plummets to my stomach, my eyes glazing over as the nausea starts to kick in, "S-so the pills that saved my life... a- are the reason I can't create a new life?"

The white walls feel as if they're closing in on me, suffocating me slowly, torturing me until I have no breath left. I'm certain my head is shaking back and forth, but I can hardly feel or see the difference in movement.

The chair scrapes across the floor as I stand up and almost topple over immediately, my legs weak and shaky as I try to find the exit out of this doctor's office that's closing in on me with every breath I attempt to take.