Struggles with the kill

Chapter 12

What is happening? What is going on? The questions race through my mind, but are overpowered by a longing feeling, which causes me to kiss him back. The seven and a half drinks drown out all my thoughts. There are so many reasons for this to be wrong, and I know it, yet I don't. Because in a drunken state I don't think about anything.

Neither about what is happening right now. He pulls me closer by my waist and I let it happen. He deepens the kiss, and yet again I just let it happen. Even worse, I still want more. I grab his neck and pull him closer. I missed this, since my last boyfriend, we broke up nine months ago, I didn't kiss somebody else. For the first month I was devastated, after that I was over it, but with everything that was happening, I just didn't have time for it.

And then well, here I am. In a club in New York City making out with the guy, who I'd never make out with if I was sober. But I'm not sober at all, and that's the whole problem.

But I don't care, and maybe that is even a bigger problem. I'm into this, and tonight I want it all. I pull back, he intensely stares into my eyes and bites his bottom lip, "Wanna dance?" He grins and so do I, "Let's go," I say and he grabs my hand and guides me to the dance floor. We stand there, our bodies moving to the rhythm of the pounding music, on the full dance floor with no space to move away.

Justin grabs me again and kisses me. This time it's more rough, but I love it. I let it all happen.

I wake up to movement on underneath my head. Because I'm to tired to open my eyes, I try to fall back asleep again. The thing I've been leaning on gets pulled away and I let my head fall onto the mattress. I'm almost asleep again, when I feel a pair of soft lips lightly touch my temple. I feel confused but let it go because I feel so tired.

The sun is placed high in the sky when I wake up again. I feel rested, but weird. I know we went out. But if I don't remember drinking, I must have drank a lot. I set my feet onto the soft carpet and stand up. I walk to the kitchen and make myself a coffee. The scent of coffee beans fills my nose and puts me at ease. It has been a long time since I've woken up this relaxed. Yet, there is something unsettling about the fact that I can't remember anything from last night. I take my coffee and walk onto the balcony. The mildly warm wind tangles my hair, because the wind is always harder up high. I lean over the edge a little bit and watch the tiny people beneath me.

It's weird to think, that this day has been experienced in seven billion different ways. All knitted together, but the most of them far apart. Up here, the world looks big, and I feel small. Because now I don't look at myself, but the world and her people. I breathe in and out, feeling more relaxed by the second.

"Well, nice to see that you're up, too," Says Jack, "I went looking for you guys, but I couldn't find you two. I'm sorry I left, I was very tired," He adds.

I laugh, "I can't remember anything of last night's events, so I don't mind." He studies me, my face, "What?" I ask. "You don't remember anything?" He asks and I shake my head in reply, "Why?" He brushes it off, "Nothing, have you seen Justin?"

I shrug, "Probably sleeping out that headache," I snort, I'm so lucky that I don't have to deal with that. "I'm off to the gym, I can't sit around all day," I nod and tell him to have fun. After he leaves I get to my suitcase and grab a book. The Fifth Wave. I love reading, I always have, but I never really got the time to do so anymore.

I've been reading for forty-five minuets now, and then I hear the door, "That was a short work-out," I say smirking at my page, not bothering to look up. "Justin," He says and I look up to indeed see Justin instead of Jack, who I expected. "Where have you been?" I ask, putting my book down. He shrugs, "I don't know." I frown, "What do you mean you don't know?" He shakes his head, "I don't know, okay? I'm confused, it's nothing," He snaps. I raise my eyebrows, "I thought you had your shit together," I chuckle, but he isn't in on the joke. "I did too," He says, "I'm gonna sleep." I decide to leave it, for now, "Do you want an Advil?" I ask, he nods and then heads straight to the bedroom.