Keep Me - Carlos Sainz

thirteen

My eyes were swollen and my throat felt like sandpaper. The room echoed with my silent sobs as I threw my belongings into my suitcase. Carlos had left two hours ago and his phone stayed on the nightstand. I couldn't bear the thought of him returning and finding me curled up, crying on his bed. I changed into sweatpants and a hoodie, slipping my feet into shoes. My hands found their way onto his shirt. I brought it up to my nose, breathing deeply. I know I'll regret it later, but right now I can't seem to care so I shoved it inside my suitcase. The hotel halls were quiet and I made my way down to the lobby. It was mostly empty with only a few people checking in. I sat at a couch, bringing my knees up to my chest.

I want to go home. Not home in Madrid but home in New York. I don't want to step into the country I've only experienced with him. I don't want to see the streets I've walked with his hand in mine. Quickly, I looked at flights on my phone and I texted Cristian. Tears were welling up in my eyes once again and I wiped them furiously. 

"Noa?" Charles' voice spoke and I looked up at him. He sat next to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. My eyes filled with tears once again and I swallowed the lump in my throat. "What happened?" He asked, rubbing his hand on my back. 

What did happen? I once again proved to be too much and he left. I shrugged at Charles and shook my head. Images of his face flash in my head and even that hurts. It goes without saying that seeing somebody you care about going through depression is hard. No one likes to see their loved one's suffer and usually depressed people push them away. I know when I go through an episode the people around me get dragged into it. I can't blame Carlos for not wanting to deal with me but I can physically feel my heart breaking. 

"I'm leaving" I whispered, looking at my hands and playing with the strings on my pants. 

"Going back to Spain?" He asked and I shook my head again. 

"New York" I replied shortly. 

"For good?" He asked, worry clouding his features. "Noa, what happened?" 

"Lando told him about what happened at the circuit" I spoke. "and I guess he... didn't want to deal with it" 

"He's being stupid, Noa, he was probably just concerned" Charles started, his brows furrowed tightly and he took my hand in his. "Don't go back to New York, go home"

"Spain is not home" I scoffed. "My home doesn't exist. I have no where to go" I ran my hands over my face, pulling at my hair. "I'm sorry, I don't want to bother you it's late I-"

"Stop!" Charles exclaimed, taking my face in his hands. "Stop doing that" He ordered.

"Sorry"

"And stop apologizing!" He breathed, letting go of my face. "Look around you. The world is so big, Noa. Your life is not people. If you continue to build homes around people they will crumble every time they leave. Build home around you. So you can take it everywhere you go."

Why the hell is Charles so sweet? I wiped my face and forced a soft smile on my face. I wish I could build it around me. But he's in my skin. The people I've encountered in my life live inside of me. I still say that phrase my best friend in middle school used to say, I still make ramen the way my high school crush taught me, I still fold my clothes the way my mom showed me. I am made up of people. It is no wonder that when they leave I crumble. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out. Cristian was calling me and I picked up. 

"You're not coming back here" He firmly stated. I was about to protest but he continued "I'm on a flight to Spain tomorrow morning and you will be there when I arrive. I am not asking" He ordered.

"Okay" I nodded, even though he can't see me. Charles stayed with me for the next few hours, showing me funny things he saw online and distracting my brain. Carlos hasn't tried to call me or text me. I'm laughing with Charles but I still feel him in the growing pit in my stomach. I can still feel how much this will hurt when I'm alone. When I don't have anybody to distract the monster in my head. Charles drove me to the airport and saw me off.