Keep Me - Carlos Sainz

fourteen

Seven hundred and forty four hours without him. Thirty-one days without a morning text. Thirty-one days I spent in numbness. They say it takes between twenty-eight to forty-two days for skin to completely regenerate. If that's true, most of him on my skin is already gone. But he's everywhere else. He's tangled around in my brain, surrounding every organ and he's embedded himself into my heart. Now that he's gone this whole country doesn't feel the same. I wish I could go back in time and take back all of the parts of myself I showed him. Perhaps if he never found out about the pills, he would never have been afraid to hurt me and we wouldn't be here. Perhaps if I never texted Emilio I wouldn't feel this easy to forget. 

My feed has been flooded with pictures of him at races, partying right after, stories from other drivers where he looks as if he doesn't have a care in the world. All while my brother refuses to leave the country, all because he feels that if he leaves I'll do something stupid. He deleted the social media apps off my phone because my comments are filling up with people asking if we're still together. 

"How about we go to the aquarium, Noa? " Cristian walked in phone in hand. I was cleaning my room for the 100th time for the past month. Whenever my life gets hard, my brain believes that if my room is organized and clean somehow all of the problems will get fixed. So far it hasn't worked, but me and my brain are staying optimistic about the method. 

"The aquarium?" I asked, folding the shirt in my hand. "Sure. I haven't seen it since we were kids"

"I'll get us tickets" He excitedly spoke. My brother hates this kind of thing. Couldn't care less about aquariums. Or animals for that matter. But he knows I love them. And I love him for trying with all of his might to get me to do anything other than sleep, go to work, cry and clean. I changed into a pair of low rise baggy pants and a fitted striped shirt. I had lost quite a bit of weight the past month. I went to work and back to sleep. Julia kept cursing Carlos out to Cristian whenever she thought I wasn't listening. The worst part of the entire thing is that I'm entirely to blame. I'm the one who prioritized him over myself and he's actually the good guy for recognizing that it wasn't healthy for me. But he was the only thing that gave me hope. The only guy who made me feel I was actually attractive and pretty not just the funny, emotional support friend I've always been. 

After taking the metro, we arrived at the aquarium and I smiled. Cristian allowed me to walk in front of him as I took in the entire thing. Thankfully, the aquarium was mostly empty. We looked at the sharks and the sea turtles swimming from side to side. "Are you ever going to stop taking care of me?" I whispered, looking at the small fish that swims alongside sharks. 

"Probably not" He smiled, bumping his shoulder against mine as he stared at the same fish. "You're my baby sister." 

"I need to learn how to deal with things myself" I huffed, a lump forming in my throat and his eyes dug into the side of my face. 

"You are dealing with it yourself. You always have been. When walking up stairs we hold onto railings not because that's how we get up, they're just there for support. Same as I am" A tear rolled down my cheek and I sniffled.

"That's a stupid analogy" I wiped my face quickly and he let out a laugh, causing me to join in. He pulled me into a hug. 

"I missed your laugh" He said, pushing me away from him and wiping his eyes. 

"Are you crying?!?!" I exclaimed, laughing as tears fell from my eyes too. He shook his head and laughter rolled out. Our eyes were filled with tears and we were laughing uncontrollably.

"Jesus, we probably look so stupid" He chuckled, wiping his eyes once again and I sighed. 

"Come on, I want to go see the big tank" I turned on my heel, walking towards it.