Sitting there, 5th grade.. Sitting here thinking who is going to make fun of me first, wondering who is going to laugh at me first... Trying to push on thinking about the good things in life. I had an eating problem. I ate my feelings. And I had a lot of feelings, I was in 5th grade weighing 150. Yeah a lot. I didn't know how to react to all of the laughing the words or the hurt. Even teachers said stuff. (I know rude) I normally don't know how to us my words properly, or think before talking. It just comes out. I said what I thought.. I remember one time this kid would call me fat because I didn't want to run. All words are hurtful.
Day 1: (7th grade middle of October) "good morning class! Today we will be switching seat! And you all know the dance is next Wednesday! Keep those grades up so you can go!" Said Mrs.Lawson. I got sat down next to Rakim Hawthorne. A big black guy. I likes him he was cute. We flirted most of the day "you're cute you know that right?" He said to me, I didn't mean to blush but it just happened. "Oh hush you, you're adorable!" I couldn't help but to reply back. That night on the phone with Rakim. Friday night with my old best friend Kaitlyn Antrican. I went to the bathroom she was talking to him for me, telling him that I liked him. I didn't mind I wanted him to know. He's cute. Not most people would agree with me though. Doesn't matter. I got back on the phone, I was standing by the stove I asked Kaitlyn if she told him that I liked him she said "we'll I don't know why don't you get back on the phone silly!" So I said "Rakim?" And he said "Rachael.. Will you go out with me?" And oh boy that smile on my face! I yelled in joy "yes! Of corse!" That night, was amazing.. I loved it.
***
Day 2: (the night of the dance) Rakim was hanging out with his friends and I was with mine. It was great. But I asked Rakim to dance with me, all the did was hold hands and move side it side. But I didn't care. I loved it. I do love pretty quickly. I hate that though.. But after that, me and Rakim kissed. It was great! And the next night I was with my friends Alli and Ali, I went home and Rakim called me, he sounded weird and said "hey .. Can I call you back?" I got worried... Them 10 minutes later goes by.. 'Phone Rings' "hello? Riley, why are you calling me?"
"Rachael.. I have bad news..."
"He's leaving me.. Isn't he?"
"...yes.. I'm so sorry"
I replied a simple okay. I hung up.. As I watch that ending fade away quickly. That first tear hitting my chest. I took a deep breath and cried & cried.. I was so confused.. So.. So.. So hurt, played was it... He just needed a date for the dance, I was used... Oh that pain in my heart that I felt, even though we only dated 6 days, I felt like shit. That Hurt. Wow.
Day 3: (Friday of school) I didn't want to go , so I didn't I let it get the best of me, I sat next to him, and had every class with him besides choir. Lord the pain it sent me knowing that went I trusted him, I only fooled myself. (At that time I didn't know he was worth the tears.) I wanted to crawl in a hole like I was worth nothing. My mom came in my room at 6:15am. "Honey, are you still not going to school?"
"No mom.. I just don't want to.. I need time, I don't want to cry in school.." She nodded in agreement. She knew what I was going threw. She kissed my forehead and walked out. I remember being home by myself crying. Only dying on the inside. Knowing how used I was! I just kept feeling that pain.
Day 4: (a week later, Friday night.,4th of November.) I was taking to my best friend Nick Shutt. I've liked him since 5th grade. I know.. 2 years? Wow but who knows what could come of it? I told him that it doesn't hurt as much, I just hated the pain it still sent me. Haunt me through the day, that I could be 'so stupid'. I hated it all. I've been suicidal since I was as young as I know. 4th grade maybe. He told me "Rach, you're beautiful..why let someone tell you different? Your personality, amazing.. Your heart, amazing.. Those eyes.. Beautiful, just like you" I'll remember that text for as long as I live. That was so amazing that he sent me that. I felt love to it. Maybe that's why I've been in love with him forever basically..
**
Next day, I was talking to nick.. I told him I liked him, and he told me the same, I was in Indianapolis at the time with my cousin. Love her, he told me I was the definition of amazing. How sweet! We basically flirted all day and night. Until finally one of us feel asleep on the other, mostly him.
Day 5; (November 11th. On a walk with nick) he'd never had his first kiss, he always wanted it.. I told him I'd give it to him. If he wanted me to, so that day we went on a walk. And we were holding hands.. I told him to tell me when he's ready for it, we walked for about 5 minutes just talking. The he said "okay I think I'm ready" I stood in front of him, put my hands on his hips he put his hand on the back of my head, and pulled me in, when our lips touched I felt electricity shoot through my body like a firework! I leaned out first, it was like I one second kiss. Amazing though.. I held his hand and we continued to walk. He said "I think I want to redo that kiss." (He wanted me 'wink wink') we had to have kissed at least 10 times. Amazing every time.
**
The next day we went on a walk again. We sat at this tree, 2 houses down from mine. We sat there, the sun was setting, it gleamed right on us, a beautiful fall, warm, orangey pink feeling. And sat down I sat in front of him, in-between his legs. He said "excuse me beautiful?" And I look up, he kissed me, for a long time, maybe even minutes. It was truly romantic. The sunset on us, the warm feeling from the sun, and him.. Was amazing. I loved it. I didn't want to leave. I said "you always know how to make me feel better." With a huge smile on my face. He held me, And we watched the sun go down, he walked me back to my house, then he walked back to his. (We lived in the same neighborhood) everything was just.. Perfect.
Day 6: (November 16th) I was sitting in my room , thinking. Nick said he had to do something real quick. It's been an hour. I was thinking about things , I loved him a lot , but he was such a player.. Should I risk it? I thought to myself.. I had my doubts.. I was so confused. So not sure if I should go further? I couldn't tell I asked my heart.. It said 'not more hurt! Just stop!' My brain said 'take the risk, you'll be fine!!' I normally always listen to my heart. I was so confused, but I know I had time. I felt a vibration in my pocket from my cell phone.. I opened it and read it. "Hello beautiful, I know I can't go another day with keeping this in... Will you be mine? Will you be my girlfriend?" One word went through my mind...
'Crap'
