It's been a couple weeks. He left me inbetween them. I had only told 1 person, Alli.. besides Nick.. we didnt talk that much, and when we did, he asked me how I was.. I normally always responded with 1 word. "fine" He got a new girlfriend. He knew i was still pregnant. I knew I couldn't do it anymore.. He always made me feel bad, I hadn't even told my mom or dad. I called my cousin up, she came down.. I got an abortion.. I didn't even ask him to help. I spent $500. I cried every night for a month. He didnt care. I knew he didn't. He asked me near the middle of summer, "are you showing yet?" I told him I got the abortion.. He told me that he was so so happy, I was the best, and that I'm amazing. I didnt believe him at all. I killed a baby. I KILLED A BABY , a living breathing thing! I'm a muderer. I'm going to hell. What is wrong with me? I hate myself! This time, I responded with two words "fuck off" I hated him , I know he didnt force me to do this, but the guilt he sent me, and the hatred he made me feel against myself.. forced me to do it.. It's all my fault.. not.. he could of pulled out. I should have been smarter.
One day i was at the lake. Winona, Great escape, I rememeber getting a text from my friend Nic , "baby killer!!" i died.... I started dating Rakim again.. I was so happy. Until that day, another friend Ryan called me yelling at me "what the fuck is wrong with you! this is why i hate you! you're a bitch! you fucking baby killer!" The only person who didnt say anything was Max.. I called him i said "did you hear?" he said he did here, but he wasnt going to make fun of me or hurt my feeling, he told he we both know it was wrong to even have sex. period. with any guy. I didn't know how to feel, but i thanked Max for that, He knew i was in pain, in my heart. I respect Max for his maturity. That was the only thing that made me feel good.. besides the sun beating on me, that felt amazing. Nick was on vaction at this time. I couldn't talk to him about it. I was so depressed. When i went home I took a nap, & woke up feeling better, my skin still warm, that hell feeling went away, I honeslty felt like everything was about to be okay.
