Malefactor [H.S.]

58

With everything that's happened to me over the past month or so, I've been craving a sense of normalcy more than usual. Especially with how emotional things have been since Saturday, I just want to feel like my life isn't completely a wreck for once. I know that it isn't and that things are much better off now than they were three years ago despite being involved in a literal criminal organization, but it's hard to remain optimistic when all I've done for the past few days is cry.

Harry and I stayed in his apartment all day yesterday, laying on the reclined couch together in his movie room and watching countless shows and movies. I even ended up falling asleep in there, so mentally and physically drained that I didn't wake up when he carried me up to his bedroom to actually sleep for the night. I woke up around 4 AM, very confused as to where I was for a few seconds since the last thing I remembered was Stand By Me playing on the giant screen since he wanted to watch it.

He's been extremely kind and gentle with me, which is exactly what I expected. I never would've told him if I thought he would be anything but understanding, but it's still nice to know that he's here for me. Part of me can't believe that I actually told him, not having gone through the entire story with someone since I told Niall almost three years ago. Not to mention, it's much different telling Harry than it was telling Niall. There's a lot more at stake.

Today we're attempting to achieve some sort of normalcy at best we can. It's obviously not going to go perfectly since I still feel terrible inside, this constant heaviness residing in my gut and chest that makes me feel disgusting for existing. Sitting inside all day just makes it worse though, so we need to get out. Sitting around means I have time to think about and dwell on everything that I told Harry. Sitting around means these negative thoughts are able to grow and fester. Hopefully, if we're out doing something, I'll be distracted enough to actually feel better, even if it's only momentary.

Although I still feel terrible inside, it's not from telling Harry. It's the lingering effects of my mom's words, and that's something I'll have to deal with until they go away on their own. While it may not look like it to him given my eyes are sunken in and there are dark circles underneath that give the appearance of not having slept for a decade, a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Telling Harry was undoubtedly the right choice and I'm just glad we can move forward without this massive roadblock in the way that's prevented me from fully diving into my feelings for him.

It's just a matter of time until I start to feel better. That's what I keep reminding myself. Once I get past my birthday, I officially won't have to deal with this hellish part of the year again until next June. Things will return to normal, I just need to be patient and let myself heal.

My life for the undetermined future is going to be a whole lot of faking it until I make it.

The first step in attempting to make me feel normal? Harry's actually letting us take public transportation for once.

We're sitting in a subway car headed up to Lilah's apartment in Midtown so she can go with us to The Museum of Modern Art. When he asked me what I wanted to do today that would make me feel like everything is normal, I told him that Riley and I go to museums a lot during the summer since they're usually relatively cheap for students and air-conditioned inside. He suggested the MoMA, and since I haven't been there in over a year, I agreed.

Lilah was added to the mix when he was talking to her on the phone while I was getting ready. I didn't realize she lived close by so when he asked if I mind stopping by her apartment so he can see her, I said she should just come with us. I don't know her that well, but from the few interactions we've had, she seems really nice.

Not to mention, I obviously have a thing for Harry, so if I get to know his sister who he's close with, surely that will benefit me. It overall seems like a win-win situation.