Malefactor [H.S.]

73

longest chapter yet omg, over 16k words. sorry if there are any typos, it gets harder to catch them in longer chapters

Harry Styles

Nerves aren't something I'm overly acquainted with. When you've been as heavily involved in illegal doings as I have since you weren't even a legal adult, very little fazes as you grow older. I'm only twenty-two, yet with the amount of fucked up shit I've experienced and seen, both because of my involvement with Colin and my life prior to all this bullshit, I've become heavily desensitized.

It's fucked up, but it makes sense. When you've been robbing high-end stores and banks since you were seventeen and the possibility of being shot dead by an on-duty security guard is a better option than jail because of the shit it means Colin will do to you, it almost becomes a necessity to never grow nervous.

Truthfully, I didn't think I was capable of experiencing anxiety ever again because what could be more panic-inducing than being chased by the cops and knowing if you don't get away in time, your crime lord boss is going to torture you before killing you in an extremely slow and painful manner?

I didn't think I could experience anxiety again, and then I met Camden.

At first, she stressed me the fuck out because of how unpredictable she was. I thought we had her figured out but I quickly realized that was not the case. Every time I was supposed to do something with her, I would either inexplicably change the plan to work to her benefit or she'd do something that would completely catch me off-guard. It scared me shitless, never knowing the unforeseen consequences of her and her actions.

But now, she gives me anxiety for entirely different reasons. I'm terrified of fucking up, of something terrible happening to her again—either by one of our own pasts coming back to haunt us or our current realities causing all hell to break loose.

If it was up to me and she agreed to it, I would cover her in bubble wrap and ship us off somewhere else in the world, somewhere just us, where no harm could ever come her way. If it was just us, and I could guarantee it's just us, she'd okay. She'd be safe and she'd be with me, and I'd never have to worry about something bad happening to her again.

I'd never experience nerves or anxiety ever again.

Unfortunately, this isn't realistic, so I've had to stick to ensuring to the best of my abilities that she's safe at all times. It's not like I'm struck at all times with this paralyzing fear that she's going to be hurt; I'm not a fucking psychopath. I rarely ever think about it, but it does happen. In passing moments when we're out, or most often, when I wake up in the morning before her and watch as she sleeps is when it happens. I get hit by this wave of incredibly intense feelings at once, almost like I'm drowning from how deeply I care about her. It's suffocating yet freeing all at once, and I become aware—especially within the past two weeks—that it's impossible to keep her completely safe, dread and anxiety pouring into me at a crippling rate upon this realization.

And then she wakes up and it passes, leaving an intense warmth behind in my chest as I grow ridiculously giddy about getting to spend another day with her.

Sometimes, the anxiety that hits me relating to her isn't even serious; it's fucking stupid and makes me want to scream at myself for getting worked up over things that never would have crossed my mind prior to meeting her.

Like now, because I can't believe I'm nervous about going to Riley's sister's birthday party with Camden. I feel like a fucking joke.

I never would have been nervous if she hadn't mentioned to me the other night that they're the ones who took her in after her piece of shit family abandoned her. I had entirely forgotten about that aspect of her living with Riley, and honestly, I wish the memory never resurfaced because now I'm stressed about meeting these people. They clearly mean a lot to her if she's willing to go to the party even when Riley's been acting like an asshole, which means I want them to like me. It doesn't matter; it shouldn't matter, but it does.