Obsession // Ashtray

11

Chris woke me up at 2 am and broke down crying. You know that scary feeling when you were so sure of something and then you realise that you really know nothing about anything? That's how I felt when he started crying. I know it's dumb, but I'd never seen him cry and see him so vulnerable and I always just thought he had everything together. He told me when Cassie stayed over at his dorm he was sexually assaulted. And what breaks my heart is that he genuinely thinks he has to bottle it all up as a man, especially a black man in society. I'm just grateful he feels safe enough around me to tell me how he really is feeling. "I love you, Chris," I say over and over as I cuddle him, holding his shaking body against mine.

He fell asleep in my bed whilst I started to organise my day. Uncle wanted me up by 5 am to do some stretches and warm-ups for my first figure skating class since it was practically straight after school. I packed my skating gear and chose my outfit for the day which took almost an hour.

nYAH

if you're free around like 7 pm I'm very possibly free

Obviously, only if Chris doesn't need me because he is my top priority. I cringe after the fact I sent that at 3 am and he's probably sleeping like any normal human being. After prepping everything I can in my room for the day, I decide to do some homework and get on top of it. I may not be the most responsible person ever but work equals uni, which equals a job, which equals money and Nyah loves money :) I check the time on my phone which is on charge and it reads 4:44 am meaning I can get up now. I go brush my teeth and a thought of Ashtray pops in my head. I wonder if he likes the way my body looks, which trigger my eyes to look in the mirror before turning away in involuntary disgust. Bad force of habit. I get to stretching in the dance studio with my AirPods in and imagine all of Ashtray's features. I never thought I'd like a boy with a buzz cut but my eyes are definitely attracted to his face tats. And the way he always looks so serious and angry but when he looks at me it all melts away.

I finish stretching and go take a shower, I wonder what the difference between being in love with someone and being in love with the thought of someone being in love with you is? I go to my room grab my clothes and moisturisers and change in my walk-in wardrobe. I look in the mirror for 3 seconds until my body starts looking too big and disproportionate. I look at the time and see it's 7:45 so I walk downstairs and see Roy and Troy eating cereal and on their phones. "Morning thing 1 and thing 2," I greet them in a goofy tone. "Hey sis," "Wassgood homie, you feel like driving?" Troy asks me and I nod grabbing my drink bottle from the fridge. "Just let me grab my skating gear," and Troy tosses me the keys and goes back to his phone.

When we arrive at school everything becomes one boring blur. The most excitement I had in the day was Ashtray texting me saying "bet" and me liking his text. It's bizarre to me that he puts up with my overbearing clinginess and oversharing and still likes me... if he does. Though the day was boring it was thankfully a fast-moving day. I was kind of nervous about my first skating class, it means meeting new people and socialising... and then showing my skills. What if I'm not as good as everyone? I grab my bag and books that have work for me to do and text the twins to meet me at the car in five minutes. I sit in the car waiting for them monkeys when I feel my phone buzzing and when I see who's calling I instantly smile.

"You know what would be a great idea?" "What would, Ashtray?" I grin. "If I came to your ice skating thing," he replies smugly. "I think you should too, let me drop off the Dr Seuss twins, then I'll come pick you up," I say as I see things 1 and 2 approach the car. "Okayyyy byeeeee," says making me giggle and he hangs up, right as Troy enters the passenger side of the car. "Was that your boyfriend?" He teases, "You're just sad no one wants you," I laugh back. "Not true! The hoe life chose me ya lil bitch. Stay mad," and I drop them home.

"Hey Fez, it's been a minute," I hug the red-bearded guy and he smiles "Hey lil sis, it's only been like 2 days tho," making me giggle. "Is Ash around?" I turn my head a bit to try find the boy. "Yeah he's in the back. Y'all going on a date or sum?" He smiles. I never even thought of that. "Uhhh I don't know..." I shrug and head into the freezer. "Hey Ash," I smile looking at the boy finishing bagging some shit. "Hey ma, when's your thing start?" He looks up twirling the bag around his finger then tears it off. "In like 30 minutes," I say walking up to him and giving him a hug. "Okay word," he says pecking me cheek. That's new... I smile at him for a few seconds. "Okay okay let's goooo," I whine making him roll his eyes. "I like the red fit, it's fire," he chuckles and gets up, not that he really had a choice because I was dragging him to my car.

"You ready?" Ash looks at me as I park the car. "No. What if they're all crazy good? I mean I haven't skated in so long I don't even know how good I am. And what if none of the people there are nice. And what if-" "if you say what if one more time I'm gonna honk your horn for so long that someone comes out," he says narrowing his eyes at me. "Nyah, you'll be okay just breathe," he nods for me to take deep breaths and I do. "Okay let's go," I say with a shaky breath and we walk to the front of the building hand in hand.

Word count: 11wt

Tbh dunno when I'll update next. Just broke up w my boyfriend 😘😔😅😭😋🥲 (lol as an update you had two more, fucking suck it up )