You made walking easy

Forgiveness Doesn't Fix Mistrust

MAYA POV

It's been really hard working to get people to forgive me. I did give them 4 weeks of hell and I did it almost with no remorse. I'm planning to talk properly with Alex today since I talked to Carina and Diane a little yesterday.

"Hey Alex, can you come down here. I want to talk to you for a minute" I shout upstairs. Since my injury, I haven't been sleeping upstairs but rather on a makeshift bed in the living room. I hear a groan and she mutters under her breathe "Oh so now I exist", yep you do.

"What do you want?" she comes in with a huff. "I want you to sit down and listen to me. Can you do that?" I ask and she sighs again. "You know I'm not Evie, I know how to sit and listen" She says sarcastically.

"Okay, we're gonna ignore that comment. Yesterday I had a meeting with my old therapist, about the injury. It wasn't my choice as Carina had planned it without my knowledge. But I talked with Diane about what I was feeling and she showed me how I have truly been acting towards everyone. I wanted to tell you that from this point forward, I will be trying to right the wrongs with you, Evie, and your mama. Can you tell me if there's anything I can do to kickstart it?" I ask.

"I don't know. You seemed quite good at thinking you were dead to the world so why don't you do that Maya" she says angrily before running upstairs. She called me Maya... not mom... Maya. Come on Maya deep breathes and stay calm. She's upstairs so there's literally nothing you can do. With that thought, I called Carina who was at work.

"Hey babe, I think I need to talk to Diane again. I tried talking to Alex and she called me Maya and told me to continue being dead to the world. I don't know what to do with myself" I say as the voice mail records it.

-

"Hi Diane, is there any chance we could have another session soon. I'm trying to talk to Alex but I think I've made it worse" I say while on the phone to her. "I can fit you in on Monday, so that's a few days. See if during these days you can talk to her again" she advices.

-

Hours go by and I'm sitting in the kitchen staring at the floor. All I have on my mind is Alex and what I can do to fix it. I don't even hear when Evie and Carina walk in. "Evie take of your shoes before you run off. Mama is about to start cooking; can you tell Alex for me?" She asks as she walks in and sees me.

"Bella, I heard your voicemail what can I do?" she asks and I just shake my head and continue to look down. There's nothings she can do and probably nothing I can do either. "I don't know. I have another meeting with Diane in a few days, so hopefully I can find some techniques or something to get there with Alex" I say quietly.

"Mama I told..." I hear Evie stop talking and she just stairs at me. She puts her hand to her mouth and just holds it there, it's something she does when she's nervous. "Evie it's okay. I'm getting better now" I say softly, she shakes her head no and runs away. I sigh deeply and look up at Carina. She doesn't know what to say so I wheel away. I end up on the drive with the breaks on. The fresh air is calming and now there's even stars out. That's the good thing about living in the suburbs, you have no light pollution. "Bella, are you coming in for dinner? Do you want me to take some out for you?" Carina asks me and I just shake my head. I'm hurt and in my head I'm just repeatedly telling myself that I can't fix it so I should give up.

-

I've been sitting here for about 4 hours now. I hear the occasional car but I mostly just hear the wind ruffling the leaves and some birds every now and then. I get the notification from my apple watch telling me to go to sleep and I just laugh. I've always been strict with my sleeping pattern, even more so now that I have children. "Bella, it's almost midnight, can you come in please? I want to sleep downstairs with you tonight. I think we both need it" she says as she walks towards me. I just nod, I know that no words would do any good.