You made walking easy

Grief Part 2

MAYA POV

Today is the funeral, I don't really know why I want to go. Maybe I want a goodbye, or maybe I want to hear what people have to say about him. All four of us are going to the funeral, all in black of course. I have to be early so I can... I don't know what you do at funerals. Mom has been asking for me to talk, and I agreed because I honestly just want to air everything out.

The funeral began and I was sitting right at the front of the church with my family. Carina and Mason sitting either side of me. Evie was behind us with Alex and Ava. Evie had a colouring book with her, she understands what a funeral is and death in general, but it's still a long and pretty boring service to sit in.

The funeral director said the normal stuff about how he will be missed and how he was a great father and husband despite being neither. It was time for the first speech, which was my mom's. Her speech was very much about how in love she was and how he was as nice guy. We all know he wasn't, but I think she liked the idea of it too much.

It was finally my turn to say my piece. "He was my hero growing up. He helped me win awards I never thought I'd get. He taught me a lot by accident. Growing up, I never realised what his behaviour did to affect me. His behaviour taught me how not to be a parent, I guess I should be thankful for that. He wanted the best for me and I think he always did but he didn't go about it the right way.

He tried his best to support the person he thought was worthy of support, but suddenly through all of what he put on me, he left me isolated and without any human skills, I didn't know how to interact with people for a long time. I guess when I went into firefighting, I didn't realise how much of a family you needed to make, for there to be good communication. I was never taught good communication from my dad. Truthfully, I never learnt anything good by my dad.

Anyway, when I started at the academy, I was really unsure of how to speak to people. I was introduced to the other female firefighter in the academy and she didn't like me. She didn't understand why I spoke the way I spoke, or just conducted myself in general. I didn't understand the kindness she had and the commitment she had to the job. Throughout the time I was single, I'd have my weeks where I would be reminded of how my dad wanted me to be. The family, my real family, would call it the Maya time. A time where I would lose control of my health and become the perfect candidate of my dad's love, a love I never achieved. That was the one award I never got. And now will never get.

I know this isn't the positive, heartfelt message you'd hope to get from the daughter of a father who was seen as a good man. I don't want it to be positive, I don't want to clap my hands to a man who abused me. It took a long time and a hell of a lot of therapy to even accept the mere idea that he was abusive. I still struggle with the thought that I went through abuse, sure his behaviour was abusive but it still feels wrong to me. Since meeting my wife, building a family, and getting to a place I wanted to be. I've truly understood the meaning to everything he didn't teach me. I've understood love, patience, care, and the biggest one of all, kindness.

I can't say I won't miss my dad; I can't say I have no regrets to do with my dad. I should have stood up to him more, I should have supported my dad's more. I should have been a better person for the people around me. But in that thinking, I've realised that I am different to my dad, and I always will be different. He didn't care about his behaviour at home, he didn't care that what he was doing was wrong. But I do care, so thank you dad for teaching me that I want to be nothing like you. I hope you burn in hell." As soon as I finished my speech, I could see the discomfort in the room. Close family friends looked horrified, colleagues muttered to each other, and my mom was in floods of tears. Taking in that image, it only got better. Mason stood up and started slowly clapping, before saying "Now this is the guy you will be remembered for. The abusive piece of shit that was hidden for way too long. There is nothing you can do to defend this image of you. Fuck you" Mason said, we shared a smile and walked out of the chapel.