Dutch's Daughter [[RDR2 Arthur Morgan x OC]]

chapter 40; reflecting

- Arthur's Journal Entry -

Saw Eagle Flies, the Chief's son, again. Dutch was captivated by him, turning on all his charm and confidence, all the while seeming like a dangerous snake. What is wrong with him? Eagle Flies is desperate and angry. The local regimen are tormenting him and grading him into a fight. It's doomed to be a disaster now with Dutch in his ear.

Poor Karen has taken to drink, something awful. Lottie works herself up worrying about this old fool so much that she's sick at the river most the day. I've discovered I have a heart after all as it's broken, seeing her like this. You old sad deluded fool. Wasted half your life being torn in two by different ideas bout who you were and would be. Turns out you weren't neither of them.

- Entry from two days later -

Things went from bad to worse with the army. I was not wrong - the local regiment's Colonel despised Captain Monroe and planned to destroy him. Charles and I rescued Monroe but probably ruined his life in the process. I just hope he can find peace someplace.

I bumped into that nun at the train station, Sister Calderon, bound for Mexico. She gave me a few truths about existing in this world and perhaps the next. 

Maybe I have got something to hope for after all. Anyway, it all sounded very pretty and took away my dread for a moment. My place is here with Lottie. Seems God don't see it that way.

- Entry from the following week -

So we saw Colm O'Driscoll swing. His boys were lined up to spring him but we dealt with them. Dutch seems to be back to being himself. At least for the moment. Sadie was like a dog with a bone, Lottie right beside her as womenfolk do, though she ain't done with them yet, I don't imagine. 

Wonder if this will calm Dutch down and we can get back to surviving ourselves, rather than just killing them we despise. I didn't feel too much. Bastard wanted to kill me, but he didn't want to that much, and I guess I felt about the same. He weren't ever exactly my fight, really.

And now my fight is real different. Protecting the only thing that matters to me against a new enemy, one I cannot see nor put a bullet into.

I've been wondering just when I stopped trusting Dutch. 'Spose it was after the mess in Blackwater. Seeing Lottie come back to camp, beaten to a pulp, abused by her father's right hand man... things were never the same. She still has nightmares most night, clutching her throat where Micah's knife had been when he destroyed her. I've never seen Dutch love anyone as fiercely as he loves his daughter and yet when she came to him for help, he did nothing.

Did we ever truly exist or were we just a group of individuals each just falling for Dutch's dumb blusters?  My whole code that I lived and killed by... was it true? Or was there a bigger truth I was too dumb to ever see? I feel like I don't know nothing anymore. 

A life of certainties for me is over. All I can do is make sure it isn't for Charlotte. She'll have it, even if I ain't able to share it with her.