Give Me A Chance (boyxboy)

One

My stomach is churning.

My fingers are tingling.

My mouth is dry.

My gaze is on the floor.

A cold sensation is spreading throughout my limbs.

I can feel their gazes penetrating through my facade, trying to figure out what exactly it is that I said I wanted to tell them. I can't look up, because I know I will meet those awful, penetrating gazes that threaten to tear apart my will to say the two simple words I need to. I know that I'll lose my nerve and I know that all this inner pain will have been for nothing. I wouldn't be able to do it. I wouldn't be able to say it.

In my stomach, it's not butterflies like everyone says. It's leeches, biting and sapping my strength. They bore holes through my stomach and the pain and sensations threaten to consume and overcome me, but I hold out. I have to or else I'll end up closing off again, hiding in myself, keeping parts of me hidden. I can't do that, because it's taken enough of a toll already.

I'm sweating. Profusely. My forehead is dripping and I can feel it soak my shirt around my underarms and stomach. My skin is tingling, as if thousands of tiny needles are pricking my skin, testing my resolve, nagging me to say the words.

Can I?

Will I ever be able to?

I feel like my blood is boiling, and my fingers and toes are numb. This is too much for me. I have to either back down or get it over with. And I can't back down. Never again. I've hidden for far too long.

My breathing is unsteady, and I take a deep breath to try and create a steady rhythm, but it's no use. My entire body is shaking now, unsteadily along with my breathing.

The air is stale.

The air is dry.

The air is tense.

I need to force the words out, or I feel like I'll die in moments. They're expecting it from me. The rational part of my mind is telling me to hold it back, don't say it, keep it to myself. But the part of my brain that wants freedom, wants love, wants to be me, is begging me to say it, no matter the consequences.

And I know in a simple moment which part of my mind I want to obey.

I take a breath. I clench my hands together. I take a breath. I plant my feet. I take a breath. I lick my lips. I take a breath. I raise my gaze. I take a breath.

And the world quiets. Like it's waiting for something. Like it's waiting for me. I look them dead in the eye. "Mom? Dad?" I say. They're waiting. I'm waiting. Everything's waiting. I can. I can't. I open my mouth. I hesitate. I can. I can't. The leeches gnaw. The needles sink in. I try. I fail. The air is sucked out. I grasp for it. I try. I fail. I'm gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna stay silent.

Everything freezes.

I stop breathing.

"I'm gay,"

And everything comes back.

The air is back. I inhale desperately. A weight is off my chest. A weight is off my shoulders.

But the panic is still there.

They don't say anything. They just stare at me. I bite my lip. They watch me. I watch them. They still don't speak. I'm scared. I can't look away.

He gets up.

My heart is pounding. He walks toward me. And straight past me. I turn away from where she is still sitting. I watch him as he walks over to the wall. I wonder what he's doing. I don't know. I'm scared.