Give Me A Chance (boyxboy)

Nineteen

In the morning, the yucky thoughts are back.

The I don't deserve him thoughts and the He's playing you thoughts. I don't entertain them for long, though, because I know now that they're all wrong. After last night, I can't possibly believe them. They're still there, though, haunting me, searching for weakness.

Of course, those aren't the only yucky thoughts in there. I think about what dad said, I run it over and over in my head. I think about if I'll ever get to go home again. I think of if I'm too much of a burden to Griffin and Horace. I think about how soon I can be back playing on the team.

I think about a lot of things. Not all of them are pleasant ones.

But, no matter what miracles conspired last night, it doesn't take away the fact that I still have to go to school, and that I still have to sit and watch my teammates practice for the first time since Quinn beat me up. And I can't do anything about it.

I take a quick moment and punch a door. I don't know why I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. It just made my ribs hurt. Like, a lot. "Ow, shit," I exclaim, massaging my chest.

This time when I head to school I hope nobody jumps me. I hope it stays a one time thing. I hope Quinn stays away from me. I can only hope.

I remember what he said to me the day I decided I was brave enough to let him know who I felt I was. I remember the look in his eyes. The death threat. How he told me I should do it myself before somebody else did it for me. And I recall not being able to figure out if that somebody else might be him.

I shake myself out of the reverie, because Joshua is knocking on my door. "Time to head out, man," he says. "You ready?"

Making an effort to show that I hadn't just punched the door, I open it, grab my bag from the floor beside it and nod. "Yeah, let's go,"

"So..." he starts.

"Don't you dare," I say, glaring at him. I walk past him, shaking my head. I know Aydin would never tell anyone that could turn it back around on Blaine or I, but I hope he lets off a little. It's getting a little freaky, having everyone seem to know more than me about what's happening.

"Okay," he says, raising his arms in the air. "I'll shut up about it."

"Thanks," I say, smiling, quite sarcastically.

He scoffs and keeps walking.

Today is nicer than yesterday. The sun is out. It seems like, for the last couple weeks, the weather has been the opposite of how I feel. When Quinn jumped me, it was a beautiful day. When Blaine kissed me last night, I felt exhilarated, but it was rainy and gloomy. And today, I don't know how I'm feeling. Certainly not perfect.

Because I don't know how much it's gonna weigh on me having to pretend Blaine means as much to me now as he did two weeks ago. I have to pretend that nothing happened last night. But it's not only for him. I feel like everyone who I should tell already knows, but it's hard for me to come to terms with it. After all the detrimental things that I've said about myself, and how I believed those things, I had myself convinced I didn't deserve anyone.

Now I've got to convince myself otherwise.

Throughout the day, I focus on other things. I play Uno with Liza and Sadie. I find an interesting book in the library and end up there for the entirety of my free block. It takes my mind off of things, which I'm grateful for. I don't need more excitement in my life.

The time comes, and, I have to admit, I don't really want to go to practice. Nancy said she wants me there still, even though I can't play. She says I need to learn team strategy and plays, even though I can't partake in them.