Eight

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"Lyam!"

Mom's voice is so full of joy, full of love, it fills my heart to the brim until it overflows and spills across my chest, sending a warm feeling over my body, from my shoulders to the tips of my fingers, from my knees to my toenails. Her face lights up, her whole face glowing when she sees me. I can't help but smile along with her. The moment is so all-encompassing it makes me immensely glad I decided to come back tonight.

"Hi, mom," I say as she dodges the coffee table, practically hurdling it, to get to me. She wraps me in an enormous hug, squeezing the daylights out of me, but not the joy at seeing her again.

"I missed you," she whispers.

"I was only gone for two days," I say, trying to play off the fact that I missed her so much my heart is aching right now. "And I called you last night." Regardless, I hug her back gratefully.

Behind me, Aydin watches us, smiling.

"My baby," mom says. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry." I realize she's crying into my shoulder. I don't exactly know what to do, so I pat her back lightly. I feel her body shake as she cries. I look to Aydin for help. He shrugs.

"It's okay, mom," I tell her softly. "I'm fine. I'll be okay."

She chuckles. "It's not you I'm worried about," she says, lifting her head from my shoulder, her eyes wet. "I couldn't bear having your last moment here be what you experienced with your father. I'm glad you came."

Her eyes, the exact same color and shade and tint as mine, one of the great features I inherited from her and not my dad, gaze into mine. Seeing just our eyes, we're more of twins than Aydin and I are. Her face is devoid of makeup, something she refuses to wear on an everyday basis. And even crying, she's beautiful. If I could ever be half as beautiful as her, I would consider it a miracle.

"Getting a little awkward for me to be here, guys," Aydin says, laughing. He's standing nearby uncomfortably, his hands at his sides, playing with the hem of his shirt. "I'm not really a part of this reunion."

"Sorry, Aydin," mom apologizes, releasing me. "Sorry, I wasn't expecting you, or I would have made something instead of getting sidetracked by my puzzle here."

I wave her off. "No need, mom,"

"Well, Lyam," she says. "What do you want to do then? It's up to you."

"And why is that?" I ask.

"Because you deserve it," she says. "After all you've been through. You deserve a break from dealing with this shit." She rolls up her puzzle mat and sets it on the entertainment stand. She scoops up the box and throws it in a corner. She shuts off her music.

I look around the room , seeing everything familiar, and realize that's what I want out of tonight: something familiar. Something in the ordinary, not out of it. An experience I've had before.

I want to be able to experience the family connection I had before I came out, but this time be able to be me, not pretend to be someone dad wanted me to be. I can be me, I can be gay if I want to. I have the choice now. I don't have to hide. A familiar experience with a twist: I'm out of the closet, no longer inside it, hiding behind the coats in my own little secret Narnia, my little world of being myself that was allowed.

"Let's have a normal night," I say, and both mom and Aydin look a little confused. "Let's cook supper, do a puzzle, and watch a movie."

Mom's face lights up. "I love it," she says. "What are we making?"

"Lasagna?" I suggest.

She claps her hands together. "Awesome idea!" She skips away to the kitchen.

Aydin looks to me. He knows my tactic. "Thanks for doing this for her. She's been pretty bent out of shape recently."

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