Give Me A Chance (boyxboy)

Fifteen

I'm avoiding him.

I hate that I am, but a small voice inside my head, the voice that tells me I'm not enough, the voice that tells me I'll never be good enough, is telling me he's lying. I know that voice is lying, and not Blaine, but I can't shake off its influence. How could anyone ever like me the way that I like him? Me? The guy who gets hit by cars and beat up by bullies who used to be his best friend? The guy who's out for almost the whole season because he wouldn't fight back? The guy whose dad hates him? How could Blaine ever like all that?

I've given up on many things that straight people get that I never will, but I really don't want to give up on Blaine. I just hope he can bear with me while I try to pummel this voice that's telling me I'm not good enough for him.

For now, I can't help but listen to it. And it kills me that I am listening to it, but the voice is insistent, and when you believe something for so long, it's hard to ignore it and take a different road.

That's why, as soon as I get out of the hospital and back in the house with Horace and Griffin, when they offer to take Joshua and I camping with mom and Aydin for the weekend, the voice rejoices. No service, no texts from Blaine. I even ignore the one he sends to crack a joke about my ribs. Ha. Get it? Crack a joke about my ribs.

Forget it.

I metaphorically punch myself for not responding to him.

It feels like there's a war raging inside my mind. There's the side that really wants to be happy and knows Blaine was telling the truth, knows he really likes me, wants him. And there's the side that thinks he's lying, or being manipulated somehow, or just wants to manipulate me. The first side is fighting for air while the second side is stealing it away. The first side has the potential to come to the forefront, but it needs a bit of a push. I know I said I was about done with pep talks, but I think I might need another. I can't seem to get through things like this on my own.

"Hey, Lyam, you okay?" Joshua asks. He's sitting next to me in the back of the truck, and watching me carefully. "We're here, man." There's a sad look on his face, and I know exactly what it's about. I nod quickly.

He gets out of the truck and disappears from sight. The door beside me opens and Horace and mom, who followed behind us with Aydin in tow, appear outside. I sigh, knowing I need to accept the help. I unbuckle the seat belt and slowly shimmy my way to the side of the seat. My ribs twinge every time I move. Mom and Horace each grab a shoulder as I slide to the ground, and the jarring stop really hurts. As soon as I'm out of the truck, though, I'm fine for the most part, so I shoo them away.

Aydin hops out of mom's car and sidles his way over. "Let's check this place out," he says excitedly. "Totally not gonna shove you into the lake."

"Smartass," I say, trying my best to nudge him, but I only end up leaning a couple inches. The doctor told me to try and keep my ribs as motionless as possible, and boy was he right because it hurts when they're in motion. So when I follow Aydin away from where Griffin is setting up the trailer, I walk kinda weirdly, like I have but one destination in mind. I don't rotate my body to look at things because that hurts too. So I'm stuck looking like a depressed man on a mission.

My brain is panicking over not texting Blaine back, and wondering if it ruined everything. But the world is trying to distract me from the internal struggle because the scenery here is beautiful.

It's a small lake in the middle of nowhere. The lake certainly isn't a nice color, but the forest around it is. It's a green you wouldn't find in town, a green you wouldn't find on a color palette. It's got green in it, but it's also got sunshine, and clear skies, and life. Everything around me feels alive, and it rejuvenates me a little.