MISS YOU! | corpse_husband [Completed]

Chapter 5

"So what do you think?" Amina asked me as she gave me the piece of paper.
"What, what do I think?" I asked her.
"Read it."

"Axel Horrors? What is that?" I asked.
"Read."
"Okay, okay. Calm down. So. Axel Horrors? No. What the fuck." I sighed.
"What is this?" I asked her.
"User names for your YouTube channel?" She told me.
"I told you that I'm not doing that."
"You will. Trust me. This will be good." Amina smiled. I sighed and looked back at the paper. 

"Corpse? Do I look like a Corpse?" I chuckled.
"No. But it's your voice you know? It's a scary word. And you tell them horror stories you know?" She explained.
"But I thought of.- Corpse Husband maybe. Like.- Corspe Bride. But just with Husband. Cause I don't know baby. It somehow fits." She sighed.

"I kind of like Corpse Husband." I smiled.
"Then it's a wrap. Go go. record. I can edit it. I don't care. But do it. Trust me it will be amazing." Amina sget miled and I nodded.
"Mhm. But just one. I record one and if it doesn't kickstart, I stop." 

"Bet?" She smiled and held her hand in front of me.
"You are a bitch." I chuckled, grabbed her hand and puller her into a kiss.

The way my channel blew up was almost scary. The first videos which I uploaded, send 50.000 people to my channel. It was scary. But I liked it.
"I fucking told you." Amina smiled while grabbing my hand. I looked at this unbelievable number. Imagine 50.000 people in one room. That's a lot.

"What if someone knows me? You know? I don't want that." I told her.
"No one is gonna know. I know. Okay? And that's it. Jen doesn't need to know, no one. Just me and you okay?" The way she smiled at me, gave me butterflies. 
"I love you." I told her.
"I love you too. But come on. You need to pack some stuff." Amina stood up, placed a kiss on my head and went out of the room.

The last four videos gave me about five thousand dollars. I could go broke from my plan. But I want to be independent. I rented my first apartment. A nice two room one. Enough for me. Maybe Amina would move in with me in a few months since the college she goes to, is in san diego as well. I packed up another box and then sat down on the couch.

"You don't seem too happy about moving away." Amina let her hand run over my shoulders while she sat down.
"It's just a lot. It's new. You know?" I smiled at her and took her hand in mine.
"But you know what?" I asked and she shook her head.

"I promise you. In a few months. You're gonna move in with me."
"I'd love that." Amina hugged me. I still got the same butterflies as the first day when she hugged me. Her body pushing against mine was an indescribable feeling.

"I love you." I whispered into her ear while I hugged her tighter.
"I love you." Amina answered with a kiss on my shoulder.

"How long?"
"How long what?" She asked.
"How long will you love me?"
"A million years." Amina mumbled with a sigh.
"Sounds good." I smiled.

A whole year later. 2016. The year where I reached one million subscribers on my channel Corpse Husband. It was even more unreal than 50.000.
"This is.- I don't know what to say." I looked up from my chair to see Amina grinning from ear to ear.

"Yeah." I sighed and shut off my computer.
"You're not happy about it?" She asked me. I shrugged my shoulders and stood up to walk out of the room.

I opened the fridge, took a can of beer and sat down on the couch. Right as I opened it, my nose started to feel weird. I felt a liquid running down to my lip. I wiped it away with my hand and looked at it.
"Fuck." I sighed and went around the kitchen isle. I let the blood drip down into the sink.
"Oh my god. Why do you have a nosebleed?" Amina asked me.
"If I knew, I would've told you about it." I sighed and looked at the blood. It was slowly running into the drain.
"Sorry for asking. My god." Amina said as I felt her hand on my shoulder.
"Jesus. That's heavy." She said and opened some drawers.

"Keep that in your neck for a little while." Amina said as she gave me a wet towel.
"Thanks." I said quiet and sighed.
"You should go to the doctor baby. That doesn't look normal." Amina suggested.
"Nah. I'm good." I told her and grabbed a napkin to hold it under my nose. I sat down on the couch again.

I heard how Amina turned on the tap and how she cleaned the sink. I forgot it. But what I also forgot-. My will to life. My mental health was killing me. My disorders were killing me. I was struggling to eat, because my throat was sore. I was struggling to go out of bed. I was struggling to sleep. Somehow I was scared of sleeping, since I could easily suffocate while being asleep.
My sleep apnea. My voice was gone for almost a week again. And every time it's back, I tried to record.

I wrote songs. Recorded them. I read my E-mail inbox with stories. Recorded them. But it started to kill me.

"Can we talk?" I heard behind me. I nodded and checked if my nose stopped.
"You're not gonna talk huh?" She asked me as she sat down.
"I-. What? My vocal chords are wrecked ar the moment. And my throat is sore and it hurts when I talk. Is that better for you?" I asked her.
"Sorry. I didn't mean that. It's just.- I have the feeling that you are rather not telling me something or you just give me the feeling that I did something wrong." Amina told me.
"You did nothing wrong." I sighed.

"Then why are you avoiding me? When was the last time we cuddled? When was the last time we gave each other a kiss, or just a hug? Huh?" She asked me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"You know it if you ask me." I said quiet.
"See? This is what I mean. You are so distant. It feels like you're a stranger, baby. It feels like I don't know you anymore." She said a bit louder.

"I need to cope with my head. That's because. I don't want to hurt you. That's why I am distant." I explained.
"Why are you scared of hurting me? What is going on?" She asked me.

"I-. Look. Let's just wait. And I don't know. Just give me some space. Some time alone. And I will manage it okay?" I told her.
"We can do it together. You-. You don't need space. You know. Healing it with love. Huh?" She asked and I felt her arms around my body.

"Stop." I sighed.
"Amina. Get off me. Now." I repeated and she looked at me.
"I need you too. I can't do that shit alone." She said quiet as she backed up.
"What kind of problems do you have? That I don't hug you. That I don't kiss you anymore? Are these your fucking problems?" I asked her.
"If you would know." She sighed.

"Then tell me?" I said and looked at her.
"I-. I dont know if I should tell you that. Like-. I. I want to.- nah. Actually. Yeah Those are my problems. That you don't hug me." She told me and stood up.
"There isn't a single thing you're working towards. What is your goal with me?" I asked her.

"My goal with you? Are you serious? I love you. And-. You don't need a goal in a relationship." She said a bit louder.

"I mean me. Me in general. Every day I wake up, I'm one step closer to death. I could die tomorrow. Remember? What do you want?" I asked.
"Even if you're dead tomorrow. I want to love you that day. And that's why I don't understand your stupid behaviour! You said that it sounds good if I love you for one million years. Remember? And what now?" She asked.

"I want to die. That's what's now. That's why I don't fucking touch you. Just to-. I could stay a good while before I move on. But that's when I'm dead." I said and felt my voice getting more hoarse with every word.

"You don't want to die." She said quiet.
"I do. Since what? Five years?"
"Think of me. Do you want to leave me here?" I heard her sobbing.
"Don't you love me?"
"I do love you." I told her.
"Then look into my eyes and say it. Stop looking at your stupid hands." She sobbed. I wanted to say it. But I couldn't. My head didn't move, even though I wanted to. But nothing moved.