Monster Like You

Chapter 11

I didn't really know why I went to talk to him myself. Gervase tried to convince me, arguing that I needed to rest after the failed ritual, but I understood that there was another reason. He didn't believe I could handle it. And he was right. Almost.

I guess I just needed to meet Nathaniel again, look into his eyes. Not from a solid ritual bed, but sitting at the same table face to face. I looked. How did I not immediately notice that he had a completely different look? Or was he pretending so skillfully? Or was I so desperate to believe? The latter is most likely. I wanted to believe in a miracle too much.

Now they were waiting for me in another meeting room, from which Kiaran, Rea and Gervase were watching the conversation. It was necessary to decide what to do next. And with him, and with Alyss. But I allowed myself to go to my double before going to the meeting. Today nothing could break my heart more than it was broken. There is a limit to the pain a person can feel. Today I stepped over that limit and was going to take advantage of it. I wanted to talk to Alyss, too. It was best to do it now.

She was, of course, back in her room. I didn't even change my clothes; I was sitting in the same long loose robe made of coarse fabric. I took mine off as soon as I got out of the ritual hall.

When I entered, she only squinted at me, but did not change her position, remained sitting on a narrow cot that stood against the wall, clasping her knees with her hands. Probably, she remained under the influence of a sedative, and therefore so indifferent.

I sat down next to her and even managed to force myself to smile.

"How are you?"

Alyss shrugged her shoulders.

"How can I be? Still the same. Only," she paused, searching for the right words. "Perhaps less optimistic. You know, I really thought the ritual would help. He was so sure that I believed him too."

"Nathaniel?"

She nodded.

"Maybe the ritual would have helped, but a little earlier," I explained. "Or if you weren't pregnant at all."

"Until I got pregnant, we didn't think about running away," Alyss admitted. "And they didn't even know that I was losing myself."

I swallowed hard, looking at her. I didn't want to delve into this topic, I didn't want to hear about how she lived, about her relationship with Nathaniel, about their child, but my job was to get information. All possible grains that will help to make the most objective picture, analyze and draw conclusions. So, I asked:

"Is your pregnancy part of an experiment?"

Alyss shook her head.

"It seemed to me that Penn was surprised when she found out. But how else could it have ended? I've been alone for almost a year. Then Nathaniel appeared, and there were two of us. And you know how I feel about him," She looked at me, and for the first time I noticed not the vertical pupils, but the fact that her iris is the same color as mine. And how much sadness there is in her gaze. "I got it from you."

"But he's not the Nathaniel I knew. Not like that at all."

A faint smile appeared on her lips.

"You're wrong. He looks a lot more like him than you think. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. After all, in a sense, I knew both of them. You just don't understand what it's like yet. What it means to be us."

I had to swallow again to push through the lump in my throat and swallow my own desire to curtail the conversation and escape. I touched Alyss's hand and offered:

"Then tell me. You wanted to talk."

She didn't force herself to ask twice. At first, the story was difficult for her. She was confused and had difficulty finding words. I wanted to think that the sedative was to blame for this, too, but there could be another reason. After a few minutes, noticing that I was listening attentively, Alyss became inspired and began to speak faster, more emotionally.