Monster Like You

Chapter 28

To say that I was shocked is to say nothing. I could hardly believe what I was hearing, but I understood that Nathaniel wouldn't lie about such a thing.

I completely forgot about the food and just stared at him with all my eyes. When the first shock passed, I began to comprehend what I had heard.

"He didn't have a choice," I finally said hoarsely. She cleared her throat to get her voice back to normal. "It was an order."

"He had a choice," Nathaniel grimaced, turning back to me. "And he understood it. He could have dropped the gun and said he wouldn't do it."

"He would have been shot along with the others."

"Yes, definitely," Nathaniel nodded calmly. "I'm not saying that this choice would not have consequences. But he had a choice. And he made it. Don't get me wrong, Vet. I don't think he should have done that. After all, survival is our basic instinct. Those people also made their choice, for which they paid. But deep down he hated himself for it. You didn't know, but this story was gnawing at him from the inside. He has been trying to atone for what he considered a monstrous crime with his holy lifestyle ever since. That's probably why he got involved in the investigation of the Abyss project. He hardly didn't understand the possible consequences, but he made a different choice this time. Maybe he hoped that then he would be worthy of you."

I caught his gaze in surprise. The question was on the tip of his tongue, but we had already talked about it once, and then he took his words back. I still didn't know what the truth was, but I didn't dare ask now.

"He liked you, Vet," Nathaniel suddenly assured me gently, without waiting for my question. "From the first day. But he didn't think he had the right to be with you after that North thing. In general, he has no right to personal happiness until he has sufficiently redeemed himself. But, probably, only death can atone for this."

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to feel about it at all. So I found out that I was protected by a wall, beyond which I could not penetrate. And, of course, I immediately had a question: what if I had been more persistent and still made it through? If I had stayed then or asked him to take me home? He wanted to say something, he was ready for it. I should have just insisted. Maybe then Nathaniel wouldn't have died in a week. He wouldn't be alone against an unknown powerful opponent. He would have known that I wouldn't have judged him for following orders.

The voice of Nathaniel-chimera stopped the flow of my thoughts:

"Don't, Hermi."

"What is not necessary?"

"Think about it. It's written all over your face. Not necessary. You wouldn't have changed anything."

"How do you know?" I shrugged.

"I just suspect that if he couldn't do it, you definitely couldn't. Better finish your meal soon, we need to go."

"Where to?" I didn't understand.

"To look for my child," he chuckled.

Apparently, Nathaniel decided it was time to switch me to something that could still be fixed. Someone else you can help.

He told me about everything he found on the recordings, and I, of course, immediately demanded to see them. Nathaniel had almost finished his breakfast by then, and I had barely started. Taking a tablet from the windowsill, he moved to my side of the table, so that now we were sitting shoulder to shoulder.

"This man..." I muttered, watching the necessary episode. "I think he looks like Kiaran. Definitely not Gervase. And don't forget. And hardly Sincere."

"And that's why he looks like Kiaran to you," Nathaniel corrected. "Of them - yes, he is most like him."