Blue's Healing (HIATUS)

Diary Entries

January 23
Would I be wrong to say I never wanted to be loved nor to love? I want to say i was doing fine without such a complicated emotion. I want to say I don't need therapy anymore but the truth is that I will probably always need some form of. Even if it is just a few times a year. I want to be okay already! I want to live without feeling empty on some days. I want to want love. I am stuck in a never ending sea that pulls me back to the horizon as I ma about to read beach. I am stuck in a never ending sea of Blue.
I have things that keep me a float in this endless sea. Grammy, Lemon, Rosie, Zane, Danny, Shane, and Anna. Having them in my life is like having a life jacket, a boat, sail, food, and the sun. My world is not cast in Black and Blue hues but in vibrant colors that shift from day to day. Weathering through the storms that come frequently become bearable.
......
I hate having to have constant validation from them. How can I give them what they give me? I don't want to take from them as others have taken from me. But it's not the same thing, right? I like having them near me and with me. I want them to never go home when they visit. To never leave my side. To be there even when I take my last breath. To appear before my eyes even when my eyes are closed. I want to dream of them before I am cast into a nightmare.
....I have become greedy....

January 30th   Blue
I want my mom. Why didn't she take me with her? Why am I made to live this life while she is one with the sea? I want to be with her. I want to hang onto the memories that I have of her but it hurts...I am hurting. I want it to stop. I want to feel empty, it's easier to face another day. Who am I living for?

I want to go see the sea with her.

February 14th
I did it. I gave it to her. Rosie. I hadn't planned on giving her a gift for Valentine's Day as I didn't have any faith in myself . I realized from Zane that it was exactly why I needed to give her a gift. This was a date were anyone could give anyone a gift if they wanted to. I didn't have much time to pick out her gift, however, as I had had an episode of some sorts. And for a short while, I was taking some antidepressants that made the days pass by in a blur.
Where I lack confidence Rosie filled me up and with that thought I made a drawing of her pouring light into the Blue sea as I drank from it as i sailed the open sea. I wasn't the greatest artist, however, there were multiple sketch books that had various my thoughts, dreams, fear, and visions in. I also got her yellow roses that I had dyed as i couldn't find them anywhere. I had also given her various other sweets but the yellow bracelet that I had given to her was my favorite thing I had included.
It was from the stack of bracelets my mother had given me and I have come to associate the color of yellow with her. I liked having something from my mother on her wrist as I wish my mother had someone like Rosie is for me... If she had met Rosie I feel like she would have liked her, a lot.
I got snacks and small stuffed animals from the gang. Rosies' and Zanes' gift mean the most to me. Rosie gave me a large blanket that had the moon and galaxies on it along with a new book about different galaxies. Zane had remembered my love for different mythical creatures so he made me a ceramic gift of a centaur. I've never really celebrated Valentine's Day with he exception of eating dinner with Grammy and taking a walk in the towns park.
....I also got to kiss Rosie again...I like being able to kiss her without freaking out...Some days are better than others.

March 3rd
Fae man and I are best friends. He takes me out to places when I can get away from school. Sometimes he even picks me up from school. I still haven't told Grammy about him as I don't think she would approve of him. He can be a bit scary but I like home. He is like a ... Never mind.  I like talking with him and hanging out with him is like a warm hug. There is something he's not telling me and I know i should be wary of it but I cant bring myself to ruin the fantasy.
Rosie says to still be wary even if I really want to like him. He doesn't freak out even when I regress around him, although I try not to.
....I wish he was my father...maybe my life would've been different.

March 20th Blue
Is it okay to be happy without her? Am I allowed to feel this way? It feels unfair. She loved me, yes? Can I love? Wish she could tell me its okay...She never will be able to.... I want to see her again...Just once... Please...

April 19th
Granny is sick...IT ISN'T FAIR!!! *page is ripped*

(Unedited)