maps and constellations | Stray Kids; Chan/Felix

Chapter 5

Luckily for Chan, the next few days pass without incident. They hit a few national parks on the way back down the state, which means a lot of hiking, which means being too exhausted every night for Chan to even be tormented by thoughts of Felix, never mind have another dream about him since he's not dreaming at all.

It doesn't stop him from running his mind in circles about Felix during the day, but at least then he's distracted and it's mostly background noise. It's a small mercy, but Chan'll take anything he can get if it helps him cling to sanity a little longer.

They're spending the last couple of days in Long Beach before finally heading home, so they're out in the water a lot. It's good, feels like a "real vacation" (Hyunjin's words) instead of something more tedious. Chan reminds Hyunjin he's not the one that's driving for multiple hours a day, but Hyunjin just sticks his tongue out at him.

It's the last day before they head home, and Chan is diligently laying their things out on the sand when Felix comes up to him with a sunscreen bottle in hand.

"Help me get my back?" he asks sweetly, and Chan sets down the bag he's unpacking and holds his hand out for the sunscreen.

Felix turns, facing out to the water, and Chan shakes as he squeezes some sunscreen out onto his palm, as he presses his hands to Felix's shoulders. His gaze wanders lower, down Felix's back. He can't help but admire him, admire the softness of his skin, the way his shoulders narrow into his waist, the feel of his muscles under Chan's fingertips, all so enticing. How did Chan not realize it before? He's in love with Felix because of course he is, because Felix is beautiful and perfect, and Chan wants to kiss him and Chan wants him, and—

"All done," Chan says quickly, patting Felix's back and stepping away, dropping the bottle of sunscreen on the beach towel at his feet.

Felix gives him a weird look over his shoulder, but chirps, "Thanks!" and runs down the water where a few of the others are already playing.

Chan's body flashes hot and cold with shame as he watches him go, heart hammering in his chest. I can't believe I let this happen, he thinks miserably. Felix splashes into the waves and the breeze carries his laughter up the shore. I should live in salt for the things I've thought. Because Chan knows Felix would think it's gross and weird, and that sends waves of disgust crawling across Chan's skin. He could never deserve Felix, even before, but especially not now, not after all the quiet ways he's betrayed Felix's trust—and still, here he is, helpless.

And he knows Felix. It's not like he's making shit up, he knows what he likes, knows his type. He'd lent Felix an ear so many times during all his relationships in high school, offering advice, keeping secrets. Chan knows everything. He had accepted each piece of information as it came without question. He regrets it now. It's like a court case in his head, already built and perfected, proving why Chan can never have him.

To make matters worse, he and Felix are sharing a room alone in their Airbnb. Sharing a bed, too, and Chan doesn't have an excuse to switch. And since it's almost time to go home, Felix has gotten much more snuggly, whiny and almost petulant when Chan tries to get him to go to sleep at a reasonable hour because he doesn't want the trip to be over. Chan was patient with him last night, but he's really hoping Felix will be way too worn out tonight and he'll be able to knock out into blissful unconsciousness as soon as possible.

But of course, he's not so lucky. Felix is waiting in bed when Chan gets out of the shower, sitting criss-cross-applesauce on top of the covers, his tiny sleep shorts riding up and exposing the pretty skin of his upper thighs. He looks up when Chan appears and tips his head to the side, smiling softly after Chan when he pads over to his suitcase to dig around for his moisturizer.